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Fresh squeeze on showing-off money

SOARING household bills are forcing Britons to cut back on purchases they believe they need to look cool, according to new data.

Spending figures show that middle-income families are unable to afford two-ton road-dominating SUVs, teenagers are an iPhone generation behind and even the wealthy are wearing last year’s fascinators.

Corporate lawyer Tom Logan said: “I’d planned to buy matching carbon fibre snowboards for the family, then deliberately leave the double garage doors open so that neighbours saw them.

“That went. Half-term in New York was cancelled. We say we’re subscribed to Apple TV but we’re not. We’ve tried to compensate by starting an unsustainable rumour we’re building an orangery. Soon they’ll see through it.”

Urbanite Lucy Parry said: “When dates take me out the bill’s only about £140 a head. They tearfully explain they can’t afford more, and I commiserate by admitting I’m skipping Coachella this year.

“Even my friend Katie, who’s lower-income, isn’t buying far more clothes than she could ever wear from Vinted. The office junior’s on one £38 double gatefold vinyl a week.

“This isn’t living. It is only existing. And they say harder times are coming? I ask, how much harder could it possibly get?”

Five reasons you should buy my Glastonbury tickets, by a man who's just seen the line-up

DON’T look it up yourself, but this year’s Glastonbury line-up is incredible. Here’s why I reckon you should buy my tickets and go to the festival on my behalf.

It promises to be historic

That’s what everyone’s saying. I don’t want to spoil the surprise, but all the papers and everyone on social media is saying that this year’s festival will be one to remember. Watching it unfold at home on iPlayer won’t do it justice, so please, just pay me £348.50 for each ticket and prepare yourself for the weekend of a lifetime. Don’t make me beg.

I’m both too old and too young to go

Having read the line-up, which is definitely incredible by the way, I’ve realised that I’m not the right age for Glastonbury this year. The acts are either aimed at the older generation or hip, cool young people like yourself. Their trendy tunes would be wasted on me, so it’s more a matter of social responsibility that I’m offloading my tickets onto you. Take them. Take them now.

You won’t find tickets cheaper anywhere else

You’re getting a bargain out of me. Scalpers will rip you off because they know they’ve got the hottest ticket in town. Don’t let them take advantage of you; instead, let me, your close and trusted friend who only wants the best for you, sell them to you for their original sale price. I’ve included the booking fee too because that’s only fair.

You’ll be helping the economy

The nation’s finances and public services are only in a sorry state because everything’s underfunded. But by paying for my Glastonbury ticket you’ll be giving the country’s coffers a much-needed cash injection. Or are you in favour of overstretched NHS doctors having to tend to patients in corridors? Didn’t think so. Be a hero and PayPal me by the end of the day.

If nothing else, The King’s Meadow should be good

Did I say ‘if nothing else’? I meant, on top of all the amazing music by brilliant bands that are absolutely worth every penny, of course. In fact you’ll be so busy listening to all the incredible acts that you won’t be able to tear yourself away to the festival’s sacred space. You should be grateful that I’m not hoarding this experience of a lifetime for myself.

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