FAT men are being urged not to bare their breasts in public this summer, as it emerged they were not attractive to women after all.
Nikki Hollis, beauty editor of Gas! magazine, said male breasts had become a common sight in the high street in recent years due to the total collapse of all moral standards and high levels of beer.
She urged men to look at themselves naked in the mirror before going topless and to avoid disrobing in the presence of children and horses.
Hollis said: "We’ve had three days of sunshine and the town looks like it’s hosting a convention of middle-aged Brazilian transsexuals – in trainers.
"Whatever gave you the idea when you got up this morning that I would want to clap eyes on your wobbling white tits, you great whale?
"You can mention Jack Nicholson all you want. Jack Nicholson is sexy despite having larger breasts than Pamela Anderson, not because of them.
"I’m sorry to disappoint, but the sight of your sagging boobs does not make me want to rub Ambre Solaire into them and then stick my hand down your shorts. It makes me want to puke.”
Nick Oakland, a 36DD from Essex, said he was shocked to discover how many women were raving lesbians these days.
He said: "I’m a big hunk of beautiful meat. Big up top, and big down below. They just can’t handle it."
