subscribe
/ Sign Out

Dreadful dickhead hassling you to 'get a date in the diary'

AN unbearable twat wants you to think about ‘some weekends that might work’ for a meet up now restrictions have eased.

As the UK heads into a summer with no prohibitions, pressure to socialise with people you have been able to avoid without offending for a year is reaching an all-time high.

Tom Logan, who has been asked to get back to Oli about some dates, said: “I’m used to only seeing the three people I’m comfortable spending time with, which includes the cashier at my local corner shop.

“The idea of having to open my time up to people who might want to chat for longer than three minutes, or who might expect me to wear trousers, is overwhelming.

“Why can’t people understand I’ve enjoyed having nothing to do, nowhere to go and no twats to see?”

Eager planner Helen Archer said: “I like to have friends booked in several weeks in advance, so I have a constant stream of people I can show off to about how much weight I lost and money I saved during lockdown.

“I feel like Tom is dragging his heels and isn’t that enthusiastic about seeing me. I can’t imagine why.”

How to dance badly: a guide for men

THOUGH after two drinks they believe they’re Justin Timberlake, men are shit at dancing. Here are five moves they make tits of themselves with:

The Moonwalk

If you can pull this move off it looks amazing. But nobody can. Instead, those trying shuffling slowly backwards while their shoes become ever more stuck to the beer-drenched surface of the dance floor, looking like a pissed old men backing away from an enforced sponge bath.

The hip gyration

How Tom Jones can still be considered sexy by some people at the age of 80 is one of life’s great mysteries, but it may be down to his wildly rotating hips. Unfortunately, when any other man does it they come across as colossal perverts and the police are called long before Sex Bomb reaches its climax.

The big fish, little fish, cardboard box

You knew you looked uber-cool cutting these shapes at those early 90s raves, but you were pilled up to the eyeballs on Mitsubishis and so was everyone else. Now, you’ve nothing more to fuel you than a few pints of lager and worried onlookers are more likely to think you’re having a seizure than applaud your retro moves.

The Vossi Bop

This is a move that should only be done by people under the age of 30 who have a good sense of rhythm and an understanding of youth culture, not middle-aged blokes who saw that one Stormzy thing at Glastonbury. See also the Dab, the Dougie, flossing and anything else that came into the world via TikTok.

Pushing other men

Starting a moshpit is the ideal way to assert your masculinity and counterbalance your anxiety that any kind of dancing makes you look like a poof. However, after being rejected by every female in the vicinity for being a dickhead and chucked out of the club for trying to start a fight, you’ll be wishing you’d just joined in with the Macarena instead.

Next story ›