RISHI Sunak says he will phase out degrees that do not improve ‘earning potential’ if he becomes Prime Minister. Did yours, or was it just a fun way to piss cash up the wall? Find out:
Did you have more than eight hours a week of lectures?
A) No. There was a reason I chose art history, and it wasn’t because I wanted to spend hours sitting in a lecture theatre while some boring old duffer tried to educate me. It’s where all the fit rich birds were.
B) Yes, my architecture degree required me to have 40 hours a week of contact time, which is why I’m allowed to be so horribly f**king smug about my job now.
Do your friends rip the piss out of your subject choice?
A) Yes. They think me throwing £50k away doing a degree in creative writing at a London university is hilarious, whereas I am quietly dying inside.
B) No. I’m a doctor now, so they’re slightly jealous of my wage while being utterly horrified by the hours I work.
Have you paid off your student loan?
A) Are you f**king kidding? I’ve only got nine years left before the outstanding amount is written off. Thanks, government.
B) Yes, I made it a priority after getting my mathematics degree and finding a job at a hedge fund. Only took a few months.
Does your current job have anything to do with what you studied?
A) Well, I suppose you could say a customer facing role at Aldi requires a certain degree of performance, so my Professional Acting BA wasn’t entirely wasted.
B) Yes, I’m a mechanical engineer. My mates thought it was a boring choice but who’s laughing now? Not them, with their fashion degrees and jobs in sales administration.
Did you study philosophy, politics and economics at Oxford?
A) No. Do I look like some kind of overprivileged twat desperate to be rich and important?
B) Yes, everyone knows this is the easiest way to join the British elite. Just ask David Cameron, Rupert Murdoch, Jeremy Hunt and me, Rishi Sunak.
ANSWERS
Mostly As: Your degree has not improved your earning potential and is just a financial millstone around your neck. Hopefully you enjoyed yourself getting shitfaced and shagging anything that moved, because that’s literally all you’ve got out of it.
Mostly Bs: Your degree was worth it financially, but has turned you into either a rich wanker, morally dubious politician or a dangerously overworked medical practitioner. None of which are ultimately things to aspire to.
