Children should read novels we defaced with cartoon penises, say parents

PARENTS want their children to be force fed the classics of English literature until it makes them seriously ill, a survey has shown.

Research by the Institute for Studies revealed parents are eager for their children to have an in-depth knowledge of the books they spent their school years defacing with ejaculating male genitals.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: Parents have a real passion for the classics, possibly due to having forgotten what a contrived pile of wank Great Expectations really is.

However, because theyve not actually read them, most parents have only a vague recollection of what the classics are. This leads to demands that their children read To Kill A Mocking Tree, Pride and Dracula and Tess of the Baskervilles.

One parent said her daughter’s education would not be complete without The Flying Piper of Hamlet.

Professor Brubaker said that even when a book was correctly identified, there was confusion about its content, with most parents believing that Nineteen Eighty-Four was about political correctness.

Parent Tom Logan said: I hate the thought of my kids not reading the classics and missing out on the boredom I went through, mainly because Im jealous of them having internet porn.

In fact I think they should turn all the classics into one massive book, A Tale of Silas Marners Animal Farm, that makes children cry just thinking about it.

Mother of two, Nikki Hollis, added: I intend to introduce my children to all of the classics, starting with The Wire.

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Todd Akin's Guide to the Female Anatomy

TODD Akin, the US Congressman and Professor of Anatomy at the University of Western Missouri, has unveiled his long awaited guide to the inner workings of the female body.

The skull: With its average diameter of 8cm the female skull can fit neatly into rabbit holes and with the attachment of a stiff brush, can be used to clean chimneys. Females only have headaches if they really want to.

The brain: Due to the limited skull dimensions the female brain is relatively small, like that of a Labrador or a child. This makes them obedient and noisy, often at the same time. Female brains can be switched off like a robot or a vacuum cleaner.

The arms: Female arms are mainly used for pies. My research shows that pies can be up to 14% tastier if female arms have hands at the end of them. Woman can detach their arms at the first hint of trouble.

The legs: Used to attract strong, intelligent men, the female leg performs best when left uncovered all the way up to the part where it conjoins with the buttocks. Women’s legs can also fold-up like an accordion when they need to scamper under a cave door that is closing rapidly.

The pancreas: Like most female organs the pancreas is used for scrubbing caked-on food waste and does not get cancer if it doesn’t feel like it.

The breasts: Since the time of Adam and Eve the female breast has been used for storing gossip. They are pumped up each morning like a pair of child’s armbands and confer legitimacy when deployed in conjunction with an upper thigh.

The heart: The female heart is made of strawberry preserve and stops and starts on the basis of whimsy. It is where women keep their secrets, their evil plans and their bitter, hysterical resentment.

The buttocks: Give females their inherent bounce and can protect an entire community if operated by a man. The buttock is also the chief cause of war between female tribes.

The uterus: Exists outwith the established laws of time and space and is possibly the size of Canada. Einstein said the uterus may contain a wormhole to an alternate universe where women could dispose of unwanted sperms.

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