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Are you the antithesis of Paddington?

TWO drunken RAF engineers who tore a statue of Paddington apart have been condemned as ‘the antithesis of Paddington’ in sentencing. Are you this reprehensible? Find out: 

What would you order in a cafe?

A) Marmalade sandwiches, left to ferment under a dirty felt hat.
B) Anything else.

Your elderly aunt can no longer live independently. Would you:

A) Leave her to rot in an old folks home in the middle of a jungle.
B) Make room for her in your enormous central London townhouse.

You are unfamiliar with modern bathrooms. Do you:

A) Cause thousands of pounds worth of damage.
B) Ask.

When choosing an outfit, what’s your preference?

A) A slightly too short duffel coat that allows you to expose your genitals.
B) Jeans, T-shirt, maybe a hoodie?

Your foster mother’s appearance changes dramatically. Do you:

A) Say absolutely nothing because it’s really not your problem.
B) Perhaps just enquire as to whether everything is, you know, okay?

ANSWERS

Mostly As: You are utterly delightful, just like Paddington. Perhaps the two of you should go inter-railing together.

Mostly Bs: ANTITHESIS! Have a f**king word with yourself you filthy, wretched pervert.

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Why Harry really resigned, if you're a Mail reader

PRINCE Harry has resigned from his African charity due to a row with its chair. Unless you’re a Mail reader, in which case these are the reasons: 

Meghan forced him to

Factual accounts of relations between the board of trustees and and chairwoman Dr Sophie Chandauka breaking down, leading to the former’s resignations, need to be amended somewhat to fit our narrative. Instead we’ve substituted a fictional account of Meghan making him because Africans in poverty damage her lifestyle brand.

He was attention-starved for too long

Harry’s contradictory dance with the spotlight let him down here, because nobody’s heard of Sentebale. It’s almost like he was doing good for nothing but the sake of it which he can’t abide, so he resigned for publicity. It’s a pathetic cry for attention and he and his wife should be exiled to the moon.

Karma’s caught up with him

When you selfishly try to protect yourself from the British press, organise an international sporting event for wounded veterans and set up a charity for southern Africans with HIV and Aids, it’s only a matter of time until your evil catches up with you. As far as the Mail comments section is concerned Harry brought this on himself.

He’s focusing on being a Royal again

For the more deluded readers this resignation indicates Harry is returning to his Royal duties. Which of course means divorce, marriage to a suitable English rose, renewing his friendship with his brother and the country going back to 2011 before wokery ruined the country and Conservative polling. But with Brexit. 2011, but with Brexit.

Diana told him to

Mail readers are logicians whose bigoted opinions are grounded in fact. They don’t go in for spiritual nonsense, unless the People’s Princess appeared to her son in a vision and told him to step down from the charity he set up in her honour. In that case her wishes should be respected and she should be given a weekly Mail on Sunday column ghostwritten by Sarah Vine.

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