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Yeah well you can't ban our phones anyway, say teenagers about to find out

TEENAGERS have asserted there is no way anyone could ban their phones or social media because they have no idea. 

While momentum for a ban continues to grow, the teens who will be subject to it believe nothing could ever restrict their access to devices their parents buy and pay bills for.

Grace Wood-Morris, aged 14, said: “Ban me going on Snapchat? Ha. You don’t control me. No government can hold me down.

“My phone is my self, my life, my individuality; the taker of my selfies and the applier of my filters so they look like everyone else’s. It is my vocabulary of emojis. What will I use without it, words?

“No, nothing can come between me and my socials. It would be like stopping teenagers smoking fags or leaving school aged 14 to work in cotton mills: impossible.

“So suck it, boomers. I’ve made a meme saying that and we’re all passing it around the WhatsApps. Makes a nice break from my usual vicious bullying.”

The Government confirmed it is now fully committed to implementing a full ban on social media and smartphones in schools for the under 16s, just because Grace has been such a dick about it.

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Looking at radar in a parka: Usha Vance's Greenland holiday highlights

TODAY is the start of Usha Vance’s somewhat altered cultural holiday to Greenland. Here are the highlights of her new itinerary.

Looking at radar in a parka

Being shown around the phased-array radar system at Pituffik Space Base may not be the trip to Nuuk that Usha Vance originally had in mind, but like any wife of a military nut she’s long since learnt how to smile her way through it. She’ll feign interest as her husband explains its ability to track ballistic missiles, then take some selfies in the swish new parka she bought specially for the trip. Shame to let it go to waste.

Watching JD Vance conduct wargames with toys

As she tries to take in Greenland’s stunning natural beauty, Usha will be frequently interrupted by her husband as he begs her to watch him conduct wargames with toy tanks and nuclear submarines. ‘That’s lovely,’ she’ll say absentmindedly as the vice president conducts a mock US invasion, complete with childish sound effects of bullets and explosions.

Listening to traditional Greenlandic boos

The trip won’t be all business. During her downtime, Usha will soak up the country’s traditional customs by listening to a chorus of boos and jeers carrying on the region’s icy winds. Spoken in Greenland’s native tongue, these haunting sounds of contempt will be a once-in-a-lifetime experience that she will cherish forever, like seeing the Northern Lights.

Sitting in the car alone contemplating her life choices

While her husband is being shown around US military facilities, the second lady will rest for a few minutes in her car and reflect on her decisions which led to this moment. ‘Maybe I should’ve avoided anything to do with politics and focused on my law career – or pursued my true passion, music?’ she’ll tearfully wonder before burying her emotions and resigning herself to the grim fate she has orchestrated.

Feeling jealous of huskies

Look at them, Usha will think to herself. They don’t know what’s going on. They have know idea who Trump is or how it feels to have your holiday plans f**ked up by your dickhead husband. All they know is running and barking and happily pulling sledges. If only I could go feral and join them and howl at the sky.

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