AFTER identifying emojis used by teens to mean drugs or sex, police have published a shocking guide to what the middle-aged really mean when they use the symbols.
The guide, which alerts teenagers to the coded messages their parents are sending to each other, exposes a hidden world of depravity and lower back pain.
Aubergine, cherries, peach = haemorrhoids
Used to covertly communicate that a middle-aged person is suffering piles and is in desperate need of a tube of Anusol from the chemist, who may be referred to as ‘the dealer’ to conceal the true nature of this nefarious transaction.
Turd, devil face, clown = their children
Children are rarely referred to by name as the parent doesn’t like them enough. Instead disparaging emojis are used, as in ‘[turd emoji] failed GCSE mocks, looks like I’m not on the hook for tuition fees! [party popper emoji]‘.
Slot machine jackpot, pink admission ticket, fish on hook = had sex last night
Glimpsed only occasionally, these emojis indicate that a pair of disgusting, overweight and inappropriately hairy and/or balding people got it on last night, an activity which should rightly be reserved only for the young and hot.
Thought balloon, fog, face in clouds = I’ve got some weed in
Using different, and less cool, emojis allows the old to signal they have scored a quarter of white widow, as in ‘[fog emoji] so come round and we’ll watch a shitload of Friends on Netflix’, an activity kept strictly secret because it’s exactly what the kids do.
Pregnant man = kids on about f**king gender again
No Gen X texter may ever admit out loud that they doubt the young’s belief in the gender revolution, lest they be cancelled. The pregnant man emoji neatly conveys their exact feelings to other fortysomethings without a word needing to be said.
Happy family = I hate all these bastards
Exclusively used ironically.
