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Texting with one finger the correct way, scientists confirm 

EXPERTS agree with your mum that jabbing the screen with a single finger is the most effective method of text messaging. 

New research has found that a one-finger approach provides the most accurate spelling and selection of emojis, which should always take precedence over speed.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “While many favour the quicker, more natural movement of texting with both thumbs, the correct method is actually holding the phone a foot away from your face and typing one letter at a time with your index finger.

“You can build on this technique by completely retracting the finger every time you make contact with the phone, to inspect what you have written for accuracy.

“Our research suggests that when done properly, composing a single message should take up to 15 minutes, and leave the texter completely unable to respond to outside stimuli during this period.

“Struggling with something incredibly simple is all part of the fun of this method of texting, which is likely why ageing parents favour it.”

When asked for her opinion, 59-year-old mum Mary Fisher’s WhatsApp status said ‘typing’ for seven minutes before she replied with a single thumbs up emoji.

Orchestra conductor and other jobs that look piss-easy but are, in actual fact, even easier

WAVING a baton about looks easy, doesn’t it? And you’re right, it is. Here are some jobs that are, quite frankly, taking the piss.

Orchestra conductor

Anyone who has ever held a stick before is halfway to becoming a fully trained conductor. ‘But it’s actually really difficult,’ they bleat. No it isn’t. The people you are conducting are trained professionals and know exactly what to do. You’re just waving your arms around like a show-off.

100 metre runner

Athletes running 200 metres or more not only have to run, but run round corners as well. It’s an added level of complexity that 100 metre runners don’t have to bother with. They just start, run for a few seconds in the same direction and then stop. The current record is 9.58 seconds, somewhat less than the eight hours you grind away at your job every day, you complete mug.

Newsreader

Thanks to autocue, being a newsreader is easy-peasy. You can read? Marvellous. You can speak too? Excellent. You can do both together? Super, you’re a fully trained newsreader, even though you didn’t realise it. There’s a downside though: you might have to do a half-hour show plus a couple of bulletins. That’s a gruelling hour’s worth of work each day.

Plumber

Water coming out of a pipe when it shouldn’t be? Just find the hole and seal it. Water not coming out of a pipe when it should be? Make a hole in it. The added benefits of being a plumber include never answering your phone, starting work at 11am, having a 90-minute lunch break, finishing work at 3pm and having every Monday and Friday off.

Personal trainer

To set yourself up as a personal trainer, buy a pair of running shoes, a t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms, and memorise a few annoying phrases like ‘no pain, no gain’ and ‘you got this’. Then stand around in a gym all day looking at your phone while your clients do the hard work.

Priest

A service on Sunday that nobody attends, a few christenings, weddings and funerals scattered throughout the week, the odd coffee morning, and confession. It’s basically a lot of tea and biscuits, plus you get to find out all the juicy village gossip like who has been shagging their neighbour. Sounds like a laugh, as well as a piece of piss.

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