SCIENTISTS will soon develop a home printing machine that is not an absolute pain in the arse, it has been claimed.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “If printer design continues to advance at the current rate, it’s likely we’ll see a machine that isn’t fundamentally incompatible with plain white A4 paper by the year 2034.
“Then we’re just a few years away from something that isn’t a shit-sucking bastard fucker with the sheer brass balls to describe itself as a printer.”
He added: “One leading manufacturer already has a prototype machine, the MasterPrint500, that can successfully print documents of up to 12 pages only 11 of which look like they’ve been vomited by a child.
“You should see it. Paper goes in plain, paper comes out printed, with only slightly less than 9 per cent reliability. It only needs to become a bit more than 11 times as good and that’s us totally sorted for printing.”
Stephen Malley, managing director of MasterPrint, said: “It will even accept normal non-printer paper that hasn’t been through the special printerisation process that makes it printerified.
“And instead of having its ‘drivers’ on internet sites that no longer exist, you can just plug the thing into a computer and it works.”
He said: “Of course, one week after this printer is released we will discontinue its ink cartridges. No-one will know why.”
