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Science is bollocks, confirms Johnson

THE prime minister has announced that science is a load of bollocks only metropolitan liberal elitists believe in. 

Boris Johnson said scientific opinions such as the two-metre rule are prejudiced nonsense invented by eggheads who need to wake up and live in the real world.

He continued: “Professor Chris Whitty. What a wanker.

“He thinks he’s got the authority to tell Britons brave and true how to live their lives, just because he’s got a load of letters after his name. 

“The coronavirus is tiny. Two metres is like a million miles to it. But we’re expected to imagine it can fly that far, on the say-so of a load of white-coated charlatans? 

“You know what I trust in? Good old British common sense, the kind you can’t discover in a laboratory test-tube, and that’s what we’ll be relying on from now on. Metres are EU nonsense anyway. 

“Whenever a scientist tries to speak, boo and throw rotten fruit at the stuck-up twat. Okay, over to you Sir Patrick Vallance.” 

Filthy chemical chicken and other recipes you can make after the US trade deal

WHEN the UK/US trade deal happens and those pesky food standards are lowered we’ll be able to make all sorts of monstrous meals. Here are some suggestions.

Roast beef with antibiotics

A massive joint of dirt-cheap beef makes Sunday lunch perfect, doesn’t it? Unfortunately you’ll have ingested so many hormones, steroids and antibiotics you’ll turn into the Hulk and punch a hole in gran’s dining room wall because she didn’t pass the salt quickly enough.

Chemical chicken Kiev

A delicious parcel of chicken arrives on your plate, having been chemically washed to remove the filth it spent its miserable life living in. There’s nothing guaranteed to make you enjoy a meal more than desperately trying not to think about salmonella and chicken excrement.

Noodles with rat hair

US food producers have a  ‘Defects Level Handbook’ which sets out the maximum number of foreign bodies that can be found in food before it’s put on the shelf. At 11 rodent hairs for every 25g, you can expect some deliciously furry dinners.

Baby food with toxic metals

A test of US food standards found that 95 per cent of baby food contained toxic metals, and they play fast and loose with sugar and E-numbers too. Forget the wholesome goodness of Deliciously Ella because the next generation of babies will grow up to be a cross between the Honey Monster and Robocop.

Oklahoma Stilton cheese

Anyone who has had the misfortune to have eaten Velveeta will know some American ‘cheese’ is actually just a scary lump of orange protein with no taste. The US says protected food names discriminates against making pleasant things to eat, so expect some super-bland foodstuffs claiming to be Stilton on the shelves soon.

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