subscribe
/ Sign Out

Most important relationship in family's life is with internet router

A FAMILY of four have confirmed they cherish every moment they spend with their high-speed wireless router.

The Johnsons have had the router for six months after upgrading their broadband to superfast fibre optic and credit it with holding them together.

Mum Francesca Johnson said: “Forget sitting down to eat every evening or being able to share your feelings: high quality wifi is the foundation of a happy family life.

“What matters most to us is that we can all be on our devices at the same time while enjoying a fast and uninterrupted connection. It’s either that or we’ll kill one another.

“Like any relationship, it takes patience to get through the hard times with a router. If it starts playing up, I take a deep breath and press reset, which is actually much easier than dealing with the children when they’re being twats.”

Husband Martin Johnson said: “That router knows everything about me, from my spiralling gambling debts online to my many chats with hot women in my area, and I have never felt any judgment. I love it deeply.”

Five ways to earn money on YouTube by being a talentless wanker

DO you have zero skills? Wondering if you can make it as a YouTube star? Earn millions with our helpful guide:

Make-up tutorials 

From a pleasant plain-faced starting point, teach your audience how to transform themselves into a scary identikit plastic vixen using several inches of foundation and bronzer. If you’re enough of a narcissist to be arsed to do this every single day you’ll soon end up with your own make-up line and terrible BBC3 series.

Reaction videos

Film yourself reacting outlandishly to someone else’s music video, with a shocked expression and your hands clasped over your mouth. The likelihood that you’ve reached the age of 40 without hearing ‘Jolene’ is incredibly slim, but people who bizarrely like this kind of thing will still lap it up.

Get rich quick video 

Want to get rich with no effort? Pay $99 for this life-changing course that will teach you to get someone else to pay you $99 for the same life-changing course on how to sell this $99 life-changing course. As long as you avoid using the term ‘obvious pyramid scheme’, you’ll be raking it in.

Unboxing videos

There is something sick at the heart of humanity if we find watching people taking newly purchased products out of their packaging the height of entertainment, but apparently we do. You’ll get more hits if you’re prepared to do something mad like spend £30,000 on a pallet of undelivered Amazon packages to unbox, but you can start small with your Asda shop.

Dangerous challenges

There’s not enough danger in the world at the moment, so it’s down to you to whip up some followers by riding a skateboard off some bins and landing in a thorny bush, emerging both in need of medical assistance and several thousand clicks of advertising revenue richer.

Next story ›