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Hen do so much f**king better via Zoom

A VIRTUAL hen party was so much more enjoyable than the real thing that it was actually enjoyable, attendees have confirmed. 

Nikki Hollis was forced neither to drink two gallons of prosecco, snog a nerd, or attempt to pole dance on the socially-distanced occasion and woke the next day without lingering paranoia that she had wanked off a bouncer or pissed in a taxi queue.

She said: “It was so civilised. I drank two normal sized glasses of red wine while having a nice chat, and nobody descended into the kind of grotesque debauchery you’d usually only see in a painting by Hieronymous Bosch.

“We could hear ourselves talk. There were no men grinding up against our arses. Robbie Williams’s Rock DJ went unheard the whole night.

“I was left with a feeling of genuine happiness for the bride-to-be instead of resenting her for forcing me to spend the best part of £300 on humiliating myself and ruining my best top with wept-off mascara and vomit.

“I know the lockdown’s f**king up the economy and everything, but I could do another three years if it means never wearing a hat with a penis on it.”

Six online courses to pretend you'll do

LAST week everyone was pretending to write a novel. This week they’re all pretending to be online learning. What should you claim to be enrolling on? 

Social Media Marketing

All those twats on Insta are coining it in for doing nothing, so you presume this is mainly a course in trout-pouting for the camera. Quit after one class when you realise there are algorithms and real work involved, including a case study on Joey Essex.

The Tudors

It’s the only thing you learnt about at school, so in a sense pointless. But it makes you feel clever to still get six out of six on the fate of Henry VIII’s wives via the ‘divorced beheaded died’ rhyme, which keeps your mind off your gaping loneliness for 15 minutes.

Dentistry

Facebook has advertised a dentistry course to you, so it must be legit. Sign up hoping you’ll be sent samples of that lovely pink liquid to gargle with or a canister of gas for fun during lockdown, then retreat rapidly when you realise to be a dentist you’ll have to start flossing.

Cooking

You get unprecedented access to top chefs from Great British Menu and their watchalong courses use up store cupboard ingredients such as monkfish tails and pink peppercorns. Politely withdraw when you realise that your replacement tinned sardines taste like metal.

French

Time to make up for the stuff you neglected at school because you were busy locking the supply teacher in the cupboard. But at least back then you had the chance of going to actual France and snogging someone called Pascal in La Rochelle. Bin it off and explore French culture in other ways, such as wine and arthouse films with boobs in.

Becoming an Online Sex Worker

Finally something useful. But you still quit halfway through because it sounds like hard work and you’re kind of ugly.

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