IF you’re 50 or under, the computer has always been there. Finding you porn, stealing you movies, and never once being used for home accounting. This is your journey:
Tomb Raider, 1996
Gaming and big whirring beige boxes were synonymous when you were a kid. You were puzzled to learn that guiding top-heavy toffs around dinosaur-infested caves wasn’t the reason the microchip was invented. As if there could be a higher purpose to computing than the little moan Lara let out when run deliberately into walls, using one hand.
Masturbation, 1997-ongoing
Through your teenage years the computer whispered to you. ‘When can we be alone?’ ‘I’ve got MPEGs waiting for you.’ As far as you were concerned, www stood for wank wank wank. Even today, the beeps and whirrs of a dial-up modem are a Pavlovian erotic trigger.
iTunes, 2004-2008
For years, this was what you did with your life. Hours and hours uploading CDs to your online library, neglecting your love life and physical health in the pursuit of a comprehensive digital record collection. Then Spotify came along and made you look like a right twat.
Printing tickets and boarding passes 2008-2019
For a brief time, between the advent of E-tickets and widespread adoption of smartphones, print-your-own was all the rage. Your social life was entirely governed by how much ink was left in your printer. When it broke down the night before a flight you swore more than you’ve ever sworn before or since.
Masturbation again, but better, 2010-ongoing
It never really stopped. But 21st-century bandwidth is a different game, and with the advent of private browsing and in-pocket screens you can take it to different rooms. A new age of self-abuse, only endangered when the video becomes silent and you realise you’ve automatically connected to your son’s Bluetooth speaker.
Rightmove, 2014-ongoing
You’ve now settled into a middle-aged fetish for house prices, unable to glimpse a For Sale sign without logging on to disparage the curtains. A house five streets away has planning permission for an extension over the garage? That unassuming terrace has a 90ft back garden? Granny flat with separate entrance? And now you’ve wanking again.
