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Your guide to fancying your partner's best friend

ARE you stuck in a relationship with someone whose best friend is nicer, more attractive and the one you really fancy? Here’s what to do in this probably-doomed situation.

Try not to make it too obvious 

In a group visit to the pub, don’t sit next to Best Friend and give her your undivided attention as if you’re on the greatest date of your life, all while gazing, rapt, into her eyes. This will look a bit suspect. Throw people off the scent by buying your partner a romantic bag of crisps.

Do not assess the situation in a realistic way

Don’t look objectively at the chances of going out with Best Friend. The romantic traffic is all one-way and nothing is going to happen. This is too depressing to contemplate, so be mature about it and focus on more positive things, like Best Friend’s lovely hair.

Have weird days out

For example: you all go to the seaside. Your partner and a few others decide to visit some crap museum while you and Best Friend have a brilliant time in an amusement arcade then the pub. It’s a weird combination of nice, strange and unsatisfactory, but it can’t be avoided in best-friend-fancying situations. It’s the law.

Avoid verbal sex mishaps

While having sex with your partner, don’t blurt out Best Friend’s name. ‘Leia’ is excruciatingly embarrassing but won’t get you dumped, Best Friend you were in the pub with earlier is a lot worse.

Keep your burning hatred of Best Friend’s partner to yourself  

Best Friend will have an eligible partner. In your childish imagination it’s fine for him to be squished by a train or dissolved in acid or whatever, but don’t let it spill over into real life, for example by picking stupid arguments with him. He’ll win and you really don’t need the extra humiliation on top of imagining them having sex.

Think about the consequences

If by some miracle you started seeing Best Friend, would you really want the guilt of hurting your partner and ruining a great friendship? No. People are quite resilient, though. Look at those guys who crashed in the Andes. They ate each other, but they’re fine about it now.

Be very cautious around large amounts of alcohol

It’s a good idea to avoid being utterly shitfaced and declaring your undying love for Best Friend. The carnage will be so bad you may as well pull the pin of a hand grenade and swallow it. So watch the booze if Best Friend is around. In vino veritas, said the Romans, who must have fancied their girlfriends’ best friends too.

Find ‘love’ with a new Best Friend

The fact that you love Best Friend probably means you’re a bit lukewarm about your actual partner. If you split up that may well be the end of your non-relationship with Best Friend too. You’ll be devastated, but eventually you’ll meet someone else with their own more attractive Best Friend you can be hopelessly besotted with. It’s good to move on.

Being crap in bed and other things you can't blame on Brexit

BREXIT is often blamed for Britain’s woes, but only because they’re its fault. However there are still some things that cannot be pinned on our decision to leave the EU.

Being crap in bed

Brexit has resulted in supply chain issues and a skills shortage, but your inability to bring a sexual partner to climax is all on you. That’s unless the Northern Ireland post-Brexit trade deal is weighing so heavily on your mind that you can barely muster a lacklustre handjob. But that still doesn’t explain why you were crap in bed before 2016.

Not getting that promotion

F**k, overlooked for a pay rise again? Clearly this is a petty act of revenge by the ‘EUSSR’, or perhaps they’ve put red tape in place to stymie plucky British industry? After all, they’re really jealous of our flagging economy. Or maybe there’s another explanation, eg. your inability to perform even the most basic of tasks and habit of arriving at work hungover every day.

Being unfit

No matter how much you insist that your body would be in peak physical condition if only you could buy fruit and veg from Aldi, that’s not true, is it? Your local gym isn’t affected by freedom of movement restrictions, so the only reason you haven’t popped along for a quick cardio session is because you’re a lazy shit.

Still being single

Yes, Brexit has made it harder to fall in love with someone on the continent and move abroad to live with them, but you weren’t even close to doing this while we were in the EU. Brussels hasn’t stopped a steady stream of hot singles finding you attractive, you were taking care of that yourself thanks to your boring personality. And let’s not forget you’re crap in bed.

Your shit haircut

The unflattering hairdo you’re sporting is only partially your fault. While it’s true you could have been more clear with what you wanted or shown the barber a photo, your inept, half-asleep hairdresser must also take some of the blame. The EU’s 27 member states are entirely innocent, although the Daily Express will probably try to implicate them given the chance.

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