LEADING a rich and sordid sex life and want to share the raunchy details with someone? Here’s who to avoid opening up to.
Your closest friends
As men have known for centuries, the closest friendships are maintained by exchanging as little information as possible. Sharing deeply personal details like your surname or your favourite colour can jeopardise your relationship. Regaling them with your bedroom antics will only provide your friends with ammunition for future banter. You’re safer telling them your bank account details.
Anyone in your family
You don’t want to hear about how your parents solemnly conducted missionary reproduction once, or twice if you have a sibling, and they don’t want to know that you’re a member of the mile-high club. Telling siblings, cousins and uncles about your erotic misadventures will likely induce vomiting, however your sex-starved grandad might be too keen to hear about it, so remain tight-lipped for your own sake.
Your colleagues
Sure, your work bestie might feel like a safe person to open up to, but don’t fall for their bullshit. Once they’ve learnt that you went to a key party they’ll be sure to mention it to your boss when the opportunity for a promotion comes around. That would be unprofessional, but so is engaging in anything but robot-like communication with your co-workers. ‘Iain’s off with diarrhoea,’ is as raunchy as it should get.
Strangers in the street
Stopping a stranger in the street to tell them you dabbled in a spot of rimming last night is a bad idea, even in these progressive times. Even people at Pride festivals gloss over the sexual aspect of their lives by walking down the street en masse and waving little rainbow flags. You could learn a lot from their retiring modesty.
Catholic priests
Catholic priests are old hands when it comes to hearing people’s confessions and keeping them to themselves, so you’re safe in that regard. They’re incredibly judgemental though, so even as you test the water by saying you once fingered your girlfriend out of wedlock, you’ll get an earful about ‘sin’ and have to spend the next 12 hours fiddling with your rosary.
Your partner
Yes, your partner remembers when you went down on them and that time they handcuffed you to the bed, because they were there and they have a functioning memory. Don’t drain all the fun out of sex by talking about it afterwards – keep the home fires burning by initiating more sex. Also, if you get them confused with an ex and recount a particularly mindblowing shag with them, you are totally f**ked.
