subscribe
/ Sign Out

You can propose to your boyfriend today, if he's a twat

WOMEN unfortunate enough to want or need to marry a man who is a complete twat are officially allowed to propose today. 

Leap Day allows women in relationships with men who have have not yet proposed to them the chance to humiliatingly pop the question themselves.

Helen Archer said: “I have a child with my boyfriend. We have a mortgage together. For legal reasons we need to be married, but regrettably he is a twat.

“So I shall get down on one knee and do what he really should have done himself years ago. Just like I do with everything f**king else.”

Francesca Johnson said: “I’m with one of those leftie wankers who doesn’t believe in sexism, so I guess it’s down to me.

“I’ll propose, he’ll accept, he’ll spend the rest of the day going on to his twat mates about how non-traditional and groundbreaking it was while I bite my lip and don’t say anything.

“It’s good there’s a special day for women in long-term romantic relationships with dickheads. Shame it’s only every four years.”

Man who thinks he's networking actually just being a pain in the neck

A MAN who thinks he is doing professional networking is actually just being a deeply annoying pest in social situations. 

At parties and in pubs, Martin Bishop quickly steers conversations onto his professional skills and career opportunities he wants to pursue, instantly removing any enjoyment.

Party guest Nikki Hollis said: “It was weird. At first he was really friendly, but if I talked about something other than work you could see he was getting annoyed. 

“He actually interrupted a woman talking about her sick child to physically hand someone his CV. And he sort of kept me trapped in a corner until he’d found out if I was of use to him.

“When he realised I couldn’t help his career he did that thing of looking over my shoulder for someone better to talk to. I didn’t really care because I was drunk, but he’s still an idiot.”

Bishop said: “Networking is about connecting with people. Although on Saturday maybe I should have chosen a more business-orientated event than my niece’s birthday party.

“By the way, do you have any contacts in the media? No? Excuse me, I must get some nibbles.”

Next story ›