DATING can be depressing, not least because women have to pretend to think men are fascinating in order to stroke their egos. If you hear any of these comments, understand that she is being wildly insincere:
Wow, I love your funko pop collection
Peacocks show off their colourful tail feathers in order to impress a potential mate, whereas you show off your worryingly large collection of these strange little dolls. Hearing his compliment from a woman you have, somehow, persuaded to enter your home makes much more sense when you realise it’s being said in the tone of a mother being presented with a shit stick drawing by her toddler.
You grew up with sisters? That’s so interesting
It’s your proof you’re a good guy as it was, after all, your very feminist decision to be given female siblings. She definitely wants to hear more on how you understand what menstruating is like. Yes, that’s really going to make her find you irresistibly attractive and not a bit of a twat.
Haha you’re hilarious
Spoken deadpan after you performed a Borat impression at a deafening volume and then waited for a compliment like a dog waiting for a biscuit. She’s laughing at you, not with you, and is mainly thinking about how she will spin this tragic excuse of a date into a funny anecdote for her mates.
Of course you’re not mansplaining
You’ve just spent 15 minutes drilling her on why the gender pay gap is imaginary. Just because you footnoted it with ‘sorry if I’m mansplaining’, does not mean her reassurance was not incredibly sarcastic. Not that you’d notice, as you’ve already started on a tedious lecture about how the George Lucas remasters of the original trilogy destroyed the franchise’s aesthetic texture.
Tell me more about your screenplay idea
It’s a win-win situation. You get to describe your movie, which you believe would eclipse all of Marvel, in painstaking detail. She only has to nod along, and gets a break to sink her pint and mentally transport herself to somewhere where a man isn’t telling her ‘he’s like Jack Ryan crossed with Indiana Jones, but with my personality’.
Sure, invite your friends
She gave up on the idea of having sex with you approximately four minutes into this date, so your adolescent idea to invite your pals to join you in the pub hasn’t lowered your chances any further, at least. It has, however, increased the chances of her shagging one of your mates instead.
