subscribe
/ Sign Out

Woman who caught boyfriend cheating again wonders if she's the arsehole

A WOMAN who has caught her boyfriend cheating for the fourth time has concluded that it must be her fault. 

Emma Bradford found out that boyfriend Tom Booker was sleeping with her cousin and immediately began to go over her own behaviour to find out why he did it.

She said: “As soon as I picked up his phone and saw the pictures of Charlotte naked, I thought ‘How have I messed things up this badly again? ’

“I’ve been putting it off, but I’m going to have to face the music sooner or later. First I’ll apologise for my breach of trust in looking at his phone, then he can tell me what I’ve been doing wrong.

“I must have driven Tom to it by taking an active interest in his hobbies and giving him space to have fun with his mates. The lingerie I bought at his request probably intimidated him as well.

“If only I could be a better girlfriend to him then we could be so happier. Honestly, I’m absolutely furious with myself for letting this happen again. When will I learn?”

Bradford added: “Or wait. What if, actually, the one who’s the arsehole is the one who did it?”

Are you having a breakdown or do you actually like the walls you painted dark grey?

YOU painted your walls dark grey because a Sunday supplement told you to. But is this just a manifestation of emotional crisis or do you like them? 

Why did you paint your walls dark grey?

A) Because I’m emotionally and physically on pause so my home needed to reflect my inner state of being imprisoned in a dimly lit box.
B) Dark grey is really in at the moment? It makes other colours pop. Yes, I said ‘pop’.

What colour is it, exactly?

A) A bleak, eternal grey, like the colour of my soul and of all our futures.
B) Railings by Farrow and Ball, obviously. We had Elephant’s Breath before, but that’s so 2018.

How much did the paint cost?

A) I assume we got it cheap from a disused asylum. It just seemed to appear in the garage, where I go to scream.
B) A mere £85 for five litres. That’s reasonable, and not insane.

Did you paint the ceiling too?

A) Yes. There must be no hope. No hope anywhere. Even the sky must be a formless void.
B) Yes, because someone on Pinterest said it was ‘bold and cocooning’ and, more importantly, the ceiling has to look good for Zoom calls. Ceilings are the new bookshelves.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Your grey walls are an unequivocal cry for help. Unfortunately it’s a cry muffled by the unending stylish greyness of your walls.

Mostly Bs: Your grey walls are simply a sign of middle-class susceptibility to trends. You probably also own a velvet sofa in a daring colour. Later today you will spill a drink on it.

Next story ›