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We can tell when it's Viagra, say women

WOMEN have confirmed they are under no illusions as to whether a sexual partner has taken erection-enhancing medication or not, thank you.

Wives, girlfriends and Tinder dates stated they are fully cognisant of the difference between normal, friendly arousal and an artifically engorged penis, no matter how discreet its owner believes himself to have been.

Grace Wood-Morris said: “It’s insulting that you think you can get away with it. You think we’re not sensitive down there?

“Yes, there is a difference between a cock gradually and sensually brought to full hardness by acts of loving foreplay and a pumped-up fly-popping blue diamond gutstick straining from the off. And you’re much keener on the latter than we are.

“What happened to being so turned on by how sexy we are? How about getting your boner that way? What about giving the lady the sense of pride and achievement and co-ownership that means she’s excited to get the erection in her?

“Instead, after a discreet trip to the bathroom for a glass of water 20 minutes earlier, you’ve got a dick like tempered steel and heart palpitations and expect us to be thrilled. No. Though to be fair it means it lasts longer than two minutes.”

Habitual Viagra user Steve Malley said: “They think it’s for them? Nah. It’s for me.”

A cheeky E and shagging the barman: Five rules everyone happily breaks while on holiday

HOLIDAYING abroad also means taking a break from your moral code. Here are five personal rules everybody thinks nothing of flouting while away.

Saying no to drugs

At home you’re the model of sobriety and decency. One plane trip later though and you’re chucking back a cheeky E before asking dubious folk on the street if they’ve got any weed. You’ll kid yourself into thinking it’s okay by pretending it’s part of the local culture. In fact, it’s not drug-taking, it’s having an authentic experience. Keep telling yourself that, even when you’re in a terrifying foreign prison.

Remaining faithful to your partner

Holiday dalliances are all part of the package deal. So long as nobody gets pregnant or spreads a disease, foreign flings are above board. You’ll start your trip off by saving yourself for the hottest person you can find in your league, but if you still haven’t pulled on the last day you’ll end up shagging a barman in the loos. A nice little mental souvenir for yourself.

Sticking to a strict budget

Purse strings are tight, especially after you’ve renewed your passport, been stung by various hidden Thomas Cook fees and spunked the best part of 500 quid on a hotel. Logically you should ration your remaining cash, but once the continental air rewires your brain you’ll be getting an Uber to the nearest tourist trap and splurging on everything. Money spent on holiday doesn’t count, after all.

Eating sensibly

People lose weight on holiday. That’s a scientific fact. Therefore you’re totally free to shovel chips into your mouth three times a day and gorge yourself on chocolate. Meanwhile vegetarians can leave their conscience at home and feast on whatever sweet animal flesh they fancy. It’s either that or starve to death, so grab another bratwurst and stop complaining.

Drinking vaguely in moderation

You have a habit of exceeding your recommended units as it is. Jet off to another time zone and the word ‘moderation’ completely slips out of your vocabulary. In fact you’ll be so permanently pissed that when you sober up you won’t be sure if your holiday was nothing more than a booze-fuelled hallucination. Luckily, the embarrassing photos your mates took of you, like the scarf at the end of The Snowman, will prove it really happened.

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