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'Want to go for a drink?' and other phrases that could possibly mean 'Fancy a shag?'

THINKING of making idle chat? Be careful. If you use any of these phrases, you might inadvertently be asking someone if they’d like to have sex.

‘Want to go for a drink?’

The sexual subtext couldn’t be any more obvious. Drinks lead to being drunk which leads to sex. While useful when talking to someone you fancy, this phrase makes the request of a platonic pint somewhat difficult. You can’t follow it up by saying ‘I don’t want to bone you’, even if it would sensibly avoid confusion.

‘Are you free this evening?’

There are a few ways this could go. It could be a romantic interest sniffing out the opportunity for a quick bang, or it could be your boss asking if you’re able to work overtime. Don’t get your hopes up that it’s your hot boss angling for a shag in the stationery cupboard though. That only happens to porn stars and your more attractive colleagues.

‘Have you been working out?’

This is a polite way of saying, ‘Wow, you’re not as fat as I remember!’ But it could also mean ‘I want to ride your bones until you forget what day of the week it is!’ If the person who said this is amorously stroking your chest and doesn’t look jealous of your new toned physique, you might be in there.

‘We should get dinner sometime’

A meal is a great way to catch up with a mate, but it could also be a first course of foreplay before the f**king commences. When asking someone you’re not attracted to if they’d like a meal, it helps to be curt and direct, eg. “Dinner? Tomorrow, 7pm, two-for-one deal at Pizza Express. Bye.’ Although if they’ve been single for yonks they’ll think that’s the most romantic thing ever.

‘Hey!’

When said by a man, this is a straightforward if somewhat camp greeting. But when said by a woman, this is her crafty feminine way of scoping out a shag. Unless it isn’t. It’s hard to tell with them and depends on how desperate you are. Assume they’re not interested until they’re forced to awkwardly spell it out by saying ‘I would like to have sex with you’, and even then it’s a good idea to double-check and get written confirmation.

Has something changed between us? By a pack of 20 Marlboro

YES, I’ve gone up to £14.73, but something else has changed. We used to be so happy together – practically inseparable. Now you’re so distant, and I can’t understand why.

We were always doing things together, mainly smoking, but nothing was too much trouble for you. You’d go to the garage any time – in the pouring rain, in the middle of the night – if you ran out of me. Now it’s like you’re trying to avoid me.

You looked so cool puffing away, like Alain Delon, and I was happy to go along with that ludicrous delusion. You didn’t even mind coughing up gobbets of disgusting yellow phlegm every morning. I thought that was ‘our thing’. 

Sure, we had our ups and downs, but all couples do. Like when you went off with that little slag of a Nicorette inhaler. She wasn’t even that good-looking. But we came through it. I’ll never forget how happy you were to have a real fag again.

So please, tell me what’s changed. You haven’t smoked at all today, but I’m the same 10.9mg of nicotine. I’m still slim and attractive – I haven’t let myself go like a saggy roll-up leaving strands of tobacco wherever you were sitting.

Is it the cancer? I know a lot of smokers don’t like the idea of a slow, painful death, but that’s out of my hands. You’ve got to look at the big picture – without me looking after you, you could easily put on weight. And what about fag breaks? 

I’m only saying this because I care, but I think you’re going through a phase where you’re worried about getting older, what you’ve achieved in life, if you look like a chav because they’re the only sad bastards who smoke these days. 

Please let’s go back to the way things were. I really fancy standing in the pissing rain outside a pub turning your teeth yellow. Come on, let’s do it now. Go on. Ah, you’ve seen sense and you’re getting your jacket and your lighter. I love you.

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