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'Very tired' couple leaving party clearly off for a shag

A COUPLE who spent an entire evening blatantly canoodling believe their excuse of leaving due to tiredness is actually convincing.

Stephen Malley and Carolyn Ryan made their debut as a couple at their mutual friends’ dinner party, arriving halfway through the main course due to ‘heavy traffic’ and proceeding to ignore all the other guests in favour of feeling each other up.

Host Kelly Howard said: “I guess me and Donna were like that once, though luckily we’ve now reached the stage where we shag perfunctorily once a fortnight. But I do hope we weren’t quite so f**king annoying about it.

“I tried to ignore them and keep the evening flowing, but it’s quite noticeable in a room of eight people if two of them are whispering the entire time. And giggling. It’s truly disgusting to see a grown man giggle.

“Maybe they should come up with some better excuses. Or work on their acting skills, because a tired person isn’t putting their tongue in someone else’s ear, you know? Or maybe they should just keep it in their pants for one bloody evening.”

Carolyn Ryan said: “Look, we know the excitement’s soon going to tail off into tedious, mechanical banging so we’re going at it like the absolute clappers while we still fancy each other.”

12 household items that now cost so much they can just f**k off

IS the cost of living crisis making the weekly shop scarily expensive? These items can f**k off.

First class stamps

95p for a first class stamp? Who do the Post Office think you are, Elon Musk? For that you could drive round to the recipient’s house yourself. If you could afford petrol these days.

Lurpak

Paying £5 for what appears to be a simple tub of butter, imbued with precisely no magical properties, is mental. It’s probably cheaper to keep a cow in the garden and churn your own.

Pet food

Thanks to your pet’s irritatingly discerning palate they eat nothing but Sheba Fine Flakes, and can detect supermarket own-brand from across the room. Either the cat goes or your summer holiday goes – you decide.

Dishwasher tablets

What’s in them, ground diamonds? Shavings of the Philosopher’s Stone? Or unspecified stuff that doesn’t properly clean your dishes for the princely sum of £16 a bag?

Coffee

£4.50 for your usual fine blend means you are contemplating drinking mud mixed with water instead. Luckily your taste buds have never really recovered after getting Covid.

Fabric softener

Fabric is already soft. It’s not going to morph into scratchy cardboard if you stop buying softener, but you will have £3.49 to go towards products that actually do something.

Tights

£8 for two measly pairs of 10-denier tights? So thin they’re almost transparent, which means by weight they are more expensive than gold.

Tenderstem broccoli

OK, so it was handpicked by virgins under a full moon and – hold on, it wasn’t? In that case, definitely not worth £2.49.

Artisan marshmallows in groovy packaging

Lovingly handcrafted in small batches by Devon small business owners Noah and Jessie, and destined to be put back on the shelf in favour of an 89p bag of old school pink and white ones.

Fancy biscuits

You’re not sure that your neighbour deserves the fancy biscuits after claiming she never received your Amazon parcel. Give her the plain digestives and avert your gaze in future instead of inviting her in.

Batteries

Do you really need a remote control? Can’t you just get up and change channels manually? Unfortunately, televisions are now completely smooth and button-free, so you’ll have to shell out £9.99 for eight batteries. You have now chosen Netflix over eating.

Something discounted

Finally – something normally priced! Approach the discounted food area with great anticipation only to find a single organic chicken that is discounted from £14.99 to £14.59. Which is just cruel.

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