YES, they are technically humans who are small, but it’s still a bloody stupid and twee thing to call kids. Here are the most annoying nicknames for children used by parents.
Small human
Funnily enough, if you described a woman’s baby as small when it was leaving her birth canal, you’d be making a trip to the emergency room to treat the pummelling she’d give you. This irony is lost on dads, who universally agree that their human child is indeed very small and don’t get what all the pregnancy fuss was about.
Junior
Hard to tell if this is a self-aware throwback to the clean-cut families of old American sitcoms, or if the parents in question are just mindlessly taking all their behavioural cues from TV. Regardless, remember that giving your child an identical name to your own so they have to be differentiated in another way is weird.
The clan
Traditionally used by middle class parents to describe the horde of children they spawned before stopping because they felt guilty about the environmental impact. Far from being the rabble they picture them to be, these children are unnervingly smart and correct your grammar for fun. A more accurate name would be the Midwich Cuckoos.
Little devils
Usually said by parents with great amusement after their child has done something endearingly mischievous like knocking their plate off the table. After years of this wanton destruction it will be changed to the entirely more fitting upgrade ‘little shits’, which will be snarled with nihilistic despair.
The heir and the spare
Pity the kids who hear these. The eldest will feel immense pressure to live up to expectations, while the youngest will have a void where their youthful zest for life should be. Each will go off the rails in unique but spectacular ways when they grow up, which will lead to their parents creating new and equally devastating pet names, like ‘f**king nightmare’.
