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Six things that are better than sex if you're shit at sex

EVERYDAY experiences are often cited as better than sex, but these things surely only outrank it if you are absolutely terrible in bed.

Getting eight hours of undisturbed sleep

Yes, getting the recommended eight hours of peaceful rest leaves you feeling rejuvenated in the morning, but at what cost? Wouldn’t you rather have seven hours of sleep preceded by 60 minutes of vigorous, acrobatic lovemaking? If not, then you’re clearly doing sex wrong and all your friends secretly feel very sorry for your unfulfilled partner.

Watching a sunrise

Witnessing the majesty of the celestial ballet definitely nourishes your soul, but you have to get out of bed early to catch it so it’s not worth the effort. Sex, on the other hand, is perfectly suited to your bed, making it by far the better activity. You could try and have it all by having sex while watching the sunrise, but just like any threesome your partner is bound to feel left out.

Doing a big stretch

Have you even had sex if you think doing a big stretch is better? Or have you just exhausted the nerve endings in your genitals with repeated bouts of depressing masturbation? Arching your back and feeling your bones click is satisfying, but get some perspective. It’s nothing compared to the mental and physical connection of a good deep shag or even a quickie.

Smoothly parallel parking first time

Neatly swerving your used first generation Ford Focus into a parking spot on the first go makes you feel like James Bond, but that doesn’t mean it compares to physical love. There’s no orgasm. There’s no afterglow. There’s no whispered pillow talk that makes you briefly excited about life. There’s just you sitting there alone, looking at the back of another shit car.

Exercise

You can do this with your partner, so it’s great for couples with sexual hang-ups for whom sex is a frightening task to be avoided. Unlike dirty, sordid fornication, exercise is clean, healthy and fine with God, otherwise runners would go to Hell. Although the smug, toned ones really should.

Getting home after a long day at work

If your lovemaking amounts to little more than nine and a half minutes of clumsy missionary, it’s understandable that coming home from your dead-end job and sitting in front of the TV feels better in comparison. Likewise, your partner can’t wait for you to step through the door and pounce on you with raunchy suggestions like ‘Shall we order a curry and watch Pointless?’

Ladies and Gentleman We Are Floating in Space, and other albums that are unlistenable without drugs

TRIED listening to Spiritualized for the first time in two decades without the aid of copious amounts of weed? Best avoid these other albums too.

Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating in Space, Spiritualized (1997)

Dreamy, hypnotic and psychedelic are the words most often used to describe this album. But only by people who have smoked a shitload of skunk before listening. Anyone who pops it on Spotify while drug-free will find themselves nodding off through sheer boredom rather than excessive consumption of THC.

Bitches Brew, Miles Davies (1970)

Jazz is hard work at the best of times, but this aural madness, once described as ‘Picasso in sound’, is on another level altogether. It sounds like multiple instruments playing different tunes all at the same time and has an album cover that students who have dabbled in LSD like to stick on their bedroom walls. Probably great if you’re high enough to hear shapes, otherwise best left alone.

Drukqs, Aphex Twin (2001)

This album is 100 minutes long, has an unpronounceable title and most of the track names are written in Cornish dialect, for example Jynweythek and Bbydhyonchord. On top of all that, it sounds like what you’d expect from Apex Twin, making the whole package perfect for crawling into a K-hole and struggling to get out again.

Tusk, Fleetwood Mac (1979)

Everyone thinks Rumours was Fleetwood Mac’s cocaine album, but at least that was chock-full of classic tunes. They followed it up with Tusk, which was comparatively lo-fi and a bit weird, maybe because Lyndsey Buckingham was doing stuff like taping microphones to the floor and cutting all his hair off with nail scissors. The kind of thing to listen to when you’ve snorted so much gak you’re halfway to psychosis.

Now That’s What I Call Music 115, various artists (2023)

Is your mate insisting you listen to a double album of torturous new music by the likes of the Jonas Brothers, Olly Murs, Ice Spice and Niall Horan? The only way to get through this horrible punishment is to bosh a load of MDMA as then you’ll think they’re the best songs you’ve ever heard in your life. Just be sure to snap your friend’s CDs in half the next morning.

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