WHY don’t your children respect you? It’s because your words mean nothing, as these completely empty threats demonstrate.
I’ll throw that iPad away!
You’d obviously never let any harm befall an expensive electronic device because you’re not a wealthy maniac like Kirstie Allsopp or that Supernanny woman. Besides, your kids know that you’re as addicted to that sweet, sweet tablet as they are. Oh, and Daddy needs it for his ‘me time’.
You’ll go straight to bed!
This would simply move the nightmare of bedtime to clash with preparing dinner, meaning you’ll be traipsing up and down the stairs while also making a lasagne because the little shits constantly ‘need a drink’. Just let them watch telly until nine, otherwise the only person being punished will be you.
Father Christmas won’t come!
It’s six o’clock on Christmas morning. Two excited children rush down the stairs in their Rudolph slippers. They flick on the living room light and see… a lump of coal. You did it! You actually followed through and did it, you parenting legend! Except of course you didn’t. You bought them a Nintendo Switch, because otherwise the mums at the school gates would find out and give you evils for the next five years.
You won’t get pudding if you don’t eat your vegetables!
This will just descend into a lengthy negotiation which drains you of all remaining energy. A carrot for an Oreo. Two mouthfuls of peas for a Viennese Whirl. After half an hour of intense haggling you’ll go to the freezer and break out the Almond Magnums simply because you need one yourself.
You won’t be going to play at your friend’s!
Really? You’re not going to get rid of them for a few hours so you can gorge yourself on the secret chocolates you keep in the garage? You could even have a bit of sex while the house is quiet. You won’t, obviously, you’ll binge watch an entire series of Selling Sunset while necking wine, but you could.
Just wait ‘til your father gets home!
The emptiest of all threats. This isn’t the 1970s and Dad isn’t a slipper-wielding psychopath. Your children are well aware that their father will simply grunt hello before switching on the telly and, when informed of their cheekiness, laugh and commend them for the imaginativeness of their insults. Fat lot of use he is.
