RUNNING low on ways to argue with your partner? Do the big shop together and step into these petty fights:
‘We have that at home’
When your partner innocently reaches for a tin of chopped tomatoes, shoot them down by reminding them that you already have loads of them at home. They’ll feel like a humiliated child then make the valid point that stockpiling tinned food is a good idea in this economy. You’re both right, meaning you’ll never be able to move past your simmering resentment.
Buy too much crap
Filling the trolley with crisps and fizzy drinks instead of fruit and vegetables will cause your partner to sulk by the magazines for a bit. Unless you want your relationship to fall apart on the drive home, remind them that junk food contains the cheapest calories you can buy. Nobody can resist cost-effective smooth talking.
Disagree about brands
Your partner thinks demanding branded toilet paper makes you a decadent French duke, instead of someone who prefers not to scour their anus with Tesco value sandpaper. If you want this to be the last big shop you ever do together, point out that Tesco value is a brand in itself so their logic doesn’t hold up. Before long you’ll be buying meals for one.
Middle-aisle madness
You’re shopping on a tight budget, and even the slightest deviation could drive you into poverty. That’s why you should resist the urge to buy a set of archaeologists’ hammers or a telescopic gutter-cleaner from the middle aisle of Lidl. Although if you want to end your relationship but you’re too cowardly to say, go ahead.
Eat too many free samples
Your other half is a dignified sort who only nibbles on the smallest, crumb-sized samples the cheese counter has to offer. You, on the other hand, have been known to treat the bakery section like an all-you-can-eat buffet. The ensuing confrontation over your eating habits is a perfect case study of how opposites do not attract and are in fact doomed.
Browse idly
Shopping is easier when you memorise the floor plan and get in and out within half an hour. Therefore if you want to start an epic row, peel away from your partner and start aimlessly drifting around the aisles. When they finally catch up with you, say ‘so there you bloody are’ as if they were the one at fault. This should fuel arguments until the next big shop.
