subscribe
/ Sign Out

Sex with an ex doesn't count, researchers confirm

NEW research has confirmed that sex with an ex-partner does not count as infidelity, a moral lapse or even sex. 

The news has been welcomed by Britons who have always assumed this was a convenient loophole but are glad to have it confirmed, regardless.

Social scientist Dr Helen Archer said: “It’s important not to sleep with new people all the time because that increases the total number of people you’ve shagged and makes you slutty.

“However, sex with an ex doesn’t add to your total, doesn’t have to be disclosed to anyone new you’re dating because it’s technically part of your past, and can be kept secret from friends guilt-free.

“Even if it happens up to three times a week, because both parties will pretend it didn’t happen then in actuality it didn’t.

“So text an ex-partner today to meet for a coffee, some careers guidance or simply to affirm that you can remain friends, like adults.

“It’s the perfect loophole. Life needs more loopholes.”

Six European characteristics to adopt before it's too late

WITH an election on the way and a Brexit deal secured, Remainers will have to work harder to maintain their continental savoir-faire. Try these methods: 

Grumpy disregard

Forget joie de vivre; being French is about shrugging your shoulders while fixing others with an indifferent glare, something British shopkeepers excel at. Throw in a ‘quelle domage’ and you’ve made your contempt properly foreign, panicking Brexiters who will readily believe it’s voodoo.

Siestas

Nobody in the world is more lazy than the British, according to leading Tories. Drag out your lunchbreak to include a little sleep – easy to fit around your zero-hours contract – and suddenly you’re as easy-living and sexually lax as a Latin lover.

Living in the dark

The Swedes like long, cold, dark nights because it gives them a great excuse to neck aquavit and hold orgies. Master their resilience and when the post-Brexit powercuts come you can pretend you’re on a Scandi-noir adventure.

Erratic driving

The fearless Italian attitude towards motoring means you’ll no longer be afraid of a Brexit cliff-edge but will instead accelerate into it, trusting the Pope while watching Juve vs Lazio on your phone. You may be doomed but you’ll go out shouting ‘Goooolacciooooooo!’

Being sexy

Can be learned from any European country except Germany. Sorry Germany. Vital politically to understand why randy serial liar Boris is running the country, it’ll help you accept that nothing in this world really matters as long as attractive people are dancing for cash.

The luck of the Irish

Essentially means putting up with any hardship as long as there’s enough drink to go around. Hard to think of anything we’ll need more. At time of writing unclear whether such luck will be subject to border checks.

Next story ›