A LONG-TERM on-off couple have confirmed their intermittent relationship is not born of tempestuous love but an inability to find anyone better.
While romantic fiction suggests that Lucy Parry and Jordan Gardner’s break-ups and reunions show they are meant to be together, the couple have admitted they are simply creating unattached intervals in which to meet other people.
Parry said: “Yeah, our friends think that our on-off relationship is because we’re fiery souls whose love sets us aflame yet sometimes burns too brightly. Actually we’re desperate.
“Every time we split it’s final and we’re both straight on the apps seeing if our market value’s risen since the last time. Every time, I remember nobody goes to the circus anymore because the freak show is on Tinder.
“Seriously it’s like swiping through a police line-up, all of men who are up for sex but ‘not looking for anything serious right now’ or ‘have to focus on harmonica practice’ or become ghosts. So I go back to Jordan because at least he texts back and gives head.”
Gardner agreed: “Our relationship is a torrid reunion, a period of complacency, then we both begin convincing ourselves the other one’s punching and we’d do great if we were only single. Split, rinse, repeat.
“Everyone’s seen so many rom-coms they’re convinced we’ll eventually realise we’re meant for each other and get married. We might. I hear hot women love a married guy.”
