THE government is open to the private sector’s involvement in assisted dying, and these brands you know and love are eying the profits:
G4S
Famously bad at prisons in the 90s and security at the 2012 Olympics, where 3,500 soldiers had to be brought in, they’ll successfully argue that mass death would have solved those problems. When you turn up for your lethal injection they’ll have run out of low-paid staff and a bored squaddie will have been deputised. The dream gammon death.
Bet365
The Stoke-based gambling giant makes millions from fruit machines on your phone with names like Pyramid Valley Power Zones, and why change a successful business model? So presumably to receive an assisted death you’ll first have to lose at least £35 on Tutankhamun’s Golden Wheel of Euthanasia.
Willy’s Chocolate Experience
In the world of government outsourcing failure is no bar to success, so a contract will be awarded to the creators of Glasgow’s infamous Willy Wonka attraction. A depressed Oompa-Loompa will hand you a half-cup of jellybeans as a final meal, the suicide pod will be cardboard and the afterlife preceded by a gift shop.
Avanti West Coast
In fairness, any privatised rail provider could screw up assisted suicide, but with Avanti you’d stand a high chance of your demise being cancelled just as you and your loved ones had mentally prepared yourselves for it. Or worse, rerouted via Northampton.
Yorkshire Water
Any major water company’s euthanasia arm can employ vital synergies by taking death-seekers on wild swimming coach trips to their nearest turd and bacteria-filled waterway and encouraging them all to take big gulps. Then disposing of bodies directly into any lake or river.
Serco
Best known for overcharging the government for electronically tagging criminals and not keeping proper records, which is as important for those serving time and those who’ve reached the end of it. Check paperwork on arrival or see your healthy spouse given a lethal injection in error, and a £30 voucher as recompense.
Virgin
There is no way Virgin could run an assisted dying service without constantly increasing prices. You’ll be reclining with a line in your arm and they’ll announce a top-up fee. Happily, such blatant profiteering will force the government to set up a suicide regulator called something insipid like ‘SuGem’ which would be useless.
Boden
A middle-class death! The ultimate aspirational way to end your life, in sensible but flatteringly-cut clothing with at least one Cockapoo in attendance and a cup of Earl Grey. Promises to be just as luxurious – but not tacky – an experience as it looked in the catalogue. The neighbours will be envious.
