Man with unruliest pubes imaginable repulsed by woman's armpit hair

A MAN with a dense forest of pubes between his legs is sickened by a woman with unshaved armpits, he has announced.

Hirsute misogynist Bill McKay thinks nothing of the thick tangle of untrimmed curly locks around his penis, but almost vomited after noticing a delicate patch of stubble on a woman’s underarm.

He said: “Lots of hair on a man is a beautiful thing. It’s a sign of virility. Women on the other hand should do the decent thing and limit it exclusively to their heads. Even the gay ones.

“When I spotted the thick patch of fuzz – the hairs were easily a millimetre long – my body nearly purged there and then. If she’d misplaced her razor blades she should have done the decent thing and covered herself up. There are rules for this sort of eventuality.

“And if that carpet of unkempt fur was sprouting in her armpits, I dread to think what shaggy state her legs are in. It’d be like boffing King Kong. I feel that’s a valid point.

“Personally I keep my body perfectly groomed by removing weird ear and nose hairs once every decade, so there’s no excuse for her not putting in the effort.”

Woman Emma Bradford said: “The bar’s so low for men we’re used to separating a matted curtain of shrubbery to reach their genitals. But it’s the pubes on their shoulders we really find disgusting.”

Cannabis isn't addictive like other drugs, says man who's smoked weed every day for 15 years

A MAN who has been high every day for the past 15 years has explained that it is impossible to get addicted to marijuana.

Joe Turner, 33, smokes a minimum of five joints per evening and insists that cannabis is ‘more of a plant than a drug’ and isn’t ‘full of addictive chemicals’ like cocaine and heroin.

Speaking between hits from a giant bong, Turner said: “Just because I fancy a bit of weed every morning doesn’t mean I have an addiction. I brush my teeth every day but nobody accuses me of being addicted to toothpaste.

“The great thing about weed is you can do as much as you like without getting hooked. Yes, I do feel a bit anxious until I’ve had my first smoke of the day and I get jittery when I’m running low. But that’s just because I enjoy it so much. 

“I’m exactly the same with chocolate. Which I buy most nights at 1am at the 24-hour garage. You should try their Twixes. They’re amazing.”

Turner insisted he can take a break at any time, while sparking up a freshly-rolled three-skin spliff and constructing another to smoke later during an arduous trip to Tesco.

He added: “Actually one day last year I went nearly eight hours without smoking at all. Admittedly it was because my dealer wasn’t responding to my texts, but I barely wondered how anyone gets through the incredible tedium of real life at all.”