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Man with spreadsheet for craft beer ratings can't understand why he's single

A MAN who rates and reviews every craft ale he has ever tried on a detailed spreadsheet is wondering why he does not have a girlfriend.

Ryan Whittaker, 42, is finding it hard to believe no woman is willing to spend all her weekends driving across the country to attend regional ale festivals with him and hundreds of other boring weirdos.

Whittaker said: “I’m a solid gold catch. There shouldn’t be a lady in the land who is able to resist me. And yet, to a woman, they all do.

“I’ve been on plenty of dates but I just haven’t found a relationship that’s stuck. What’s not to love? From my thick, luscious beard to my several hard drives full of craft beer comparison data, I should be a babe magnet. But it seems all women have commitment issues.

“The day after we’ve driven 150 miles to a CAMRA award-winning pub where I’ve explained the intricacies of my 15-point rating scale for judging hop varieties, every one of them texts me saying ‘Thanks, but I’m not looking for anything serious right now’. I just don’t get it.”

Whittaker’s last date Lucy Parry said: “Apart from being dull as f**k, I’m not sure Ryan realises what drinking that much ale is doing to his flatulence levels.”

How to take a wild guess at what the f**k 'levelling up' means for your town

WONDERING what the blazes ‘levelling up’ means for your town? The government won’t explain, so here’s how to take a wild guess.

Step 1: Set your hopes high

Decades of failing industry, austerity and general political neglect may have decimated your town, but this mysterious new agenda will definitely fix it all at once. It won’t be like the Big Society or any other similarly vague initiatives that ultimately achieved f**k all. Absolutely not.

Step 2: Don’t worry about the details

Look, the government has realised that there is quite a lot more of the UK outside London and think they should probably offer these areas some cash if they want to cling onto power. It doesn’t matter that you don’t understand what levelling up is. They don’t either, but you’ll be the first to know when they figure it out, okay? Just relax and listen to them talk about how great it’s going to be.

Step 3: Set your hopes even higher

You knew this thing was going to be good, but after seeing Michael Gove chatting away enthusiastically about it on breakfast telly you now realise it must be spectacular. The flying cars will be descending into the Midlands and holograms delivered to Cornwall any day.

Step 4: Receive ‘initial funding’

Word will spread that the allocated money has arrived, and it turns out to be a tiny cut of the small change left over from HS2. What should be done with this insultingly pitiful amount? Ultimately, some bollards will be moved around in the town centre and the library will open three days a week instead of one. You’re welcome!

Step 5: Be grateful, you pleb

It will be quietly mentioned that no more money is coming, despite there being no discernible change to the issues facing your town. But you’ve had some cash so you’d better stop moaning, you miserable, grasping provincial gits. Consider yourselves levelled up! Oh, and vote Conservative.

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