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Man promising multiple orgasms never mentioned a timeframe

A BOYFRIEND who promised to provide multiple orgasms was careful never to specify over what period. 

Jack Browne, aged 23, claims to be a skilful lover capable of bringing a woman to climax again and again, while avoiding any stipulation that the orgasms would take place during a single day or even month.

Browne said: “I’m confident I could make any woman come three, four or even five times. That’s not boasting. That’s based on actual lived experience.

“When you’re dating me, you can forget about having just one orgasm. Get ready for more than that although probably fewer than ten on aggregate.

“Don’t worry about how long it would take. Patience is key to satisfying a woman. Put it this way – you’ll be telling your friends about me.”

Browne’s ex-girlfriend, Lucy Parry, said: “Jack did indeed give me multiple orgasms. Technically.”

Seven pricks with important careers and how it would suck to date them

FIFTEEN minutes into the date and you’ve been appraised of their full job title and salary? It won’t get any better with these wankers: 

City bastard

Basically an alien visiting from another financial dimension, deciding if he will admit you into his ark of wealth. He’ll pay for everything on the explicit understanding this means you are being leased. Will dump you when you’ve not seen him for six weeks and your relationship is as real as those of the playground.

Headteacher

Monarchs of their tiny domains, headteachers don’t like their authority to be challenged. She’ll be choosing the restaurant, the wine and the sexual positions, and instruct you mid-f**k in a skin-crawlingly familiar way. And you’ll feel like you need to put your hand up to go for a piss.

Charity boss

Imagine meeting her after work, when you’d taken a mental health day playing GTA Online and she’s saved like a million kids in Darfur. You drank all day on Sunday while she was meeting UN representatives. She has direct debits covering half her salary for good causes. You subscribe to six OnlyFans.

Vicar

You’re marrying God when you marry a vicar, and f**k is that obvious from date one. God’s right there looming over the table judging you for wearing a red bra. And there’s no chance of trying before you buy so you’re gambling on a vicar being a good shag, which given everything seems unlikely.

Pilot

Literally he’ll never be home. That’s his entire job. You’re only seeing him if he flies the Heathrow-Edinburgh run, in which case he’ll be such a tragic failure of a pilot he’d be hell to live with and tell the dog to piss off.

Doctor

Men can’t feel comfortable with a date who could stimulate their prostate whenever they liked. Women can’t enjoy sex with a partner who sees fannies so often his response is a world-weary sigh. This is why all doctors are single and locked in dominant-submissive relationships with their receptionists.

Politician

You can’t believe them, you never get a straight answer, they never pay for anything, they blame anyone else for everything that goes wrong, and you’ll be shagging a Tory. Labour and the SNP are just red Tories anyway and get real, nobody’s f**king a Lib Dem.

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