subscribe
/ Sign Out

Man enters day four of cunnilingus

A BOYFRIEND is embarking on his fourth day of performing cunnilingus on a partner who believes she is almost there. 

Jack Browne began the sex act on girlfriend Hannah Tomlinson on Friday, expecting his oral skills to deliver a climax within minutes, but more than 72 hours later is still hard at work with no end in sight.

He said: “I only did it to be polite. I assumed after a few minutes she’d either hit incredible new heights of pleasure or fake it so I could give up.

“But we’re clearly in this for the long haul. My tongue feels like sandpaper. I’m on a drip for vital nutrients and I’ve lost count of the number of YouTube tutorials I’ve tried to follow.

“I feel bad for the St John’s Ambulance crew standing by, but they’re as much for the crowd as they are for me. We tried clapping to encourage her like when you try to get a band on at a festival, but that didn’t work.

“She’s making some very promising noises, but I’ve fallen for that before on Saturday morning, afternoon, evening, the small hours of Sunday morning and last night during Celebrity Bake-Off. Please God let it be the real thing this time.”

Tomlinson said: “He could try around the clitoris?”

Real business of meeting completed in the last fifteen seconds

ATTENDEES at a business meeting have confirmed all the actual decisions were made in the final fifteen seconds before everyone stood up to leave. 

The meeting, titled ‘Q2 Budget Review’, began at 10am and the initial two hours were wasted getting drinks, watching an uninformative Powerpoint, and sharing gossip about anyone not in attendance.

Marketing head Carolyn Ryan said: “It was a traditional business meeting in that nobody had done any prep, nobody wanted to be there and it was close to being entirely unproductive.

“We lost fifteen minutes early on because we’d changed rooms and Nathan had missed the email, then Lindsey had to go and get two more chairs, then I needed coffee but there weren’t any mugs in the kitchen so I had to go down to the fifth floor.

“When I got back Richard was halfway through a story about his mum being ill so we couldn’t just move on to the actual topic of the meeting without being heartless bastards. Katie did a Powerpoint that had f**k all to do with anything, then we had biscuits.

“Suddenly it was lunchtime, there were people banging on the doors for their meeting, and so we agreed we’ll go for a 7.5 per cent budget increase weighted toward last year’s results and review in April in line with the strategy statement. Then got our mugs and left.

“It was so productive that Damien’s booked in a follow-up next week.”

Next story ›