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Is everyone else having loads more sex than you?

WORRIED your sex life has shrivelled and died whilst everyone else is at it hammer-and tongs? Here’s how to measure your love action against the national average. 

Flirt at work

Joking flirtations based on how little sex you get at home not only reveal how desperately horny you are, they probe into whether others are getting any. Anyone staring into the middle distance and smiling broadly is clearly getting loads, the bastard.

Share your troubles anonymously online

Take to Reddit and admit how little sex you’re getting where, according to community, you will be mocked, ridiculed, advised you might be queer, ordered to hate everyone or go viral.

Spy on your neighbours

Do hands-on research by drilling a discreet hole in the party wall and seeing what next-door get up to. You could even miss opportunities for sex while peeping.

Bring it up after the third pint every single time

Unknowingly develop a reputation for always, without fail, asking about friends’ sex lives after the third pint is sunk. Bear in mind anyone who says ‘Yeah, I’m red raw this week,’ has been lying since first saying it, aged 16, in 1995.

Masturbate

And stop bloody worrying.

Couple's flat decorated entirely with photos of them

A COUPLE’S home has photographs of them together literally everywhere you look, friends have confirmed. 

Martin Bishop and Susan Traherne have been together for four years and, according to guests, a stroll around the flat takes you through their relationship practically in real time.

Friend Emma Bradford said: “There used to be one or two. A frame with fun ones they got done at a wedding. Some holiday ones. It wasn’t oppressive.

“But now you can’t glance away from their eager faces without seeing their eager faces somewhere else, staring back at you from Budapest or Edinburgh or Glastonbury.

“They’re in the kitchen. They’re all over the spare room. They’re in the toilet, which is a separate room from the bathroom, goggling at you wearing comedy moustaches while you try to have a crap.

“I don’t think they’re vain people. I think they’re just celebrating their love, but I wish they’d just do it by f*cking.”

Bishop said: “We don’t really like art, or other people’s children, or any bands or anything like that. So it’s just us on every surface until everyone goes mad.”

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