AGED 14-18? Went on holiday with your parents? Planning to invent a wonderful romance with an incredible but untraceable girl or boy? Follow these rules:
Choose a ridiculously exotic name
Let your imagination fly free. Was your honey called Elektra? Was your gorgeous guy called Jamal? Don’t be tethered by the ordinary. The more outlandish your fantasy fling was, the more your naive-but-desperately horny audience will want to believe it. And remember, names like Linda and Geoff are thrillingly unorthodox to teenagers.
Invent an arresting backstory
Real holiday romances are with a girl from Darlington with an overbite. You don’t have to settle for that. A Greek heiress? The Californian son of a tech billionaire? A Filipino model who showed you home movies of her pet tiger? A Brazilian soap opera star? The more wild, the more plausible.
Paint a vivid picture
You made out for the first time under a waterfall. Then he flew you to the top of a mountain, accessible only by helicopter, for your first date. Then she took you scuba-diving and you kissed while a school of tropical fish darted about you. That your holiday was on a landlocked French campsite doesn’t matter. No-one will question it.
Go overboard on sex
Think Danny Zuko’s half of Summer Nights if, like your generation, he’d grown up with access to all the internet’s porn. She did the lot. He had a cock like a diving board. She span on my dick using her Cirque de Soleil skills. Again, any implausibilities in your narrative will be blithely ignored as your peers lap up the filth.
Explain the lack of evidence
But how did this love story for the ages go unrecorded in this era of mobile phones? How can you have lost touch forever when there’s Instagram? Simply explain your twat parents only allowed you an hour of screen time a day and you’d used it all before you got out of bed. Your audience will nod understandingly. They’ve been there.
