STILL on the shelf while George Osborne, of all the wankers, is happily married? Lie to yourself that this doesn’t reflect badly on you:
Be thankful you’re not him
Yes, George Osborne is now legally married but austerity led to the suffering of millions and you haven’t got that weighing on your conscience. You can sleep easy, and not just because you get the whole duvet. You didn’t drive children into poverty and cut all NHS pandemic preparation so who’s the winner now, Osborne?
Embrace your freedom
George Osborne’s days of cocaine and call-girls are over, while yours are yet to begin. You’ve got no missus or national media to worry about. It might be a mere narcotics-and-sex sticking-plaster over the emotional void in your heart, but most married people seem miserable too so it’s swings and roundabouts.
Make a list of your attractive qualities
Drawing a blank? Write down your greatest quality of all: you’re not George Osborne. You weren’t booed by a crowd of thousands at the London Olympics. You won’t be remembered by history as a morally bankrupt shithead who ran the economy into the ground while lining your own pockets. In comparison you’re an Adonis.
Resort to statistics
Cheer yourself up by remembering that George Osborne’s marriage flying to bits is a mathematical probability and he’ll have divorce papers, legalities to sort out, Just Stop Oil turning up at the decree nisi etcetera. You might not have love, but you haven’t got that shit in your future. If anything Osborne’s envious of you.
Re-read that email
Of course only wedding guests have seen the email and it’s impossible to find online. Anyway the media’s more interested in a BBC scandal about a man having inappropriate sexual contact with a teenager, which is terrible. But if you did happen across the contents of the email, you’d definitely feel grateful that you’re not him. And have never met him.
