WITH his vinyl, woollen hat, impeccable left-wing politics, eschewing of commitment and obsession with Japanese whiskey, Bumble Guy lends himself to a fun game. Play along at home!
“Let me talk you through my vinyl collection”
He would have you believe his passion is the warm analogue sound, while it’s actually the opportunity to show off. Listening to Lou Reed on Spotify cannot compare to actually holding a physical object showing that you listen to Lou Reed. Without vinyl, Bumble Guy would have to to hand out cards reading ‘I’m a Velvet Underground fan and therefore cool’.
“I only date under 30”
Setting his physical standards high and his age limit low, he’s doing it for them. After 30 women get obsessed with discriminatory bullshit, like babies and houses and telling you to ‘find a f**king job, Simon, you’re 43 and no one wants to read your novel’. He doesn’t want to waste those women’s valuable time.
“I don’t suppose you’re familiar with Tarkovsky?”
Bumble Guy does not love films. He loves film, singular, and he loves it with a clinical passion you, rewatching Pretty Woman after wine, could never aspire to. At least half of the films he watches are subtitled and have no discernible point. He suspects he could make a cinematic experience as visceral as Raging Bull, if he should be given the budget.
“It’s important to me to match on values”
Those values are community, freedom (to date others and go in bareback) and gender equality, in terms of splitting the bill after the first date and owning your own home so there’s no pressure to cohabit. They do not include follow-up messaging after sex because he felt the act itself said all it needed to.
“Commitment, to me, is of the patriarchy”
If there’s one thing he abhors more than produce that is not seasonally and sustainably produced, it’s getting tied down. He thinks you’re very cool, but as a romantic must follow his heart. He wishes this wasn’t yet another situationship based around casual sex but yearns for an emotional connection. ‘I don’t want you to be disappointed.’ HOUSE!
