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Friend struggling through messy break-up 100 per cent at fault

A FRIEND heartbroken that her boyfriend has dumped her without warning is entirely, unequivocally responsible, it has emerged. 

23-year-old Lauren Hewitt has leant heavily on friends for sympathy after her relationship ended just three days before their first anniversary, before revealing it only happened because she ‘accidentally’ slept with her boyfriend’s best friend.

Friend Marie Fisher said: “We all showed up like girls’ girls, comforting her and telling her she was better off without him and f**k the patriarchy and all that. We soon regretted it.

“Over rosé, Lauren explained how it was all Jack’s fault for putting his best friend in a position to seduce her by not attending a house party because he was at a funeral. I’ll be honest, we struggled to go-girl our way through that one.”

Hewitt continued: “I told Jack to come to the party in case something happened, but he said the funeral was more important even though it was the biggest party since James Bates had a free house in 2017 and shat in his own kettle. Anton from Love Island was DJing.

“So, even though that makes it his fault I went to bed with Olly, he totally refused to admit it, dumped me, and I just can’t get over it. Why? Why now? All my girls are saying the same.”

Fisher said: “I’m trying to help Lauren through this because I’m already committed and I don’t want to look a dick. But, later on, I might nip out and shag Jack.”

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'Wonderfully low-maintenance': the bullshit phrases an estate agent would use to sell you

ESTATE agents, using the magic of language, can transform even the foulest shithole into a desirable property worth borrowing £300,000 for. Here’s how they would sell you: 

‘Tastefully appointed’ 

The basics aren’t there, but you’ve covered the cracks in your physical foundations by making yourself up like the madame of a clown brothel. From Urban Decay’s most garish shades to lurid fashion choices, you’ve done all you can to distract.

‘Charming’

Neither beautiful, intelligent or especially witty, people still hang out with you. There must be a reason but in the absence of any easily identified redeeming feature, let’s call that undefinable, undetectable quality ‘charm’.

‘Ample storage’

In a house? Means rooms in f**ked-up L-shapes useful for nothing but stacking boxes. For a person? A gentle way of saying that you’re a doormat who’ll accept any kind of emotional baggage you’re thrown, from estranged children to morbid obesity.

‘Sympathetically restored’

You’ve had work done. Whether fresh tits or a hair transplant, whether veneers or a jowl lift, effort has been put in. Points, therefore, should be awarded for trying.

‘Fantastic opportunity’

Everyone loves opportunities. Who’d want to miss out on one? Any potential lover who misses out on the ‘opportunity’ to invest a lot of time and money into you for little to no return is a fool, and will be mocked by circling images of Kirsty and Phil laughing around their head.

‘Wonderfully low-maintenance’ 

You’re not asking much. A Nando’s out, a bunch of garage flowers, perfunctory three-minute oral on milestone birthdays. The occasional distraction from endless nights slumping in front of telly on your phone.

‘Perfect for first-time buyers’

Look, you’re a bit shit. No one with much self-respect or cash to burn is going to want to waste their time, but someone desperate to get their foot on the ladder can give you a go for a year or two before moving onto something bigger and better. And they definitely will.

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