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Five ill-advised phrases that will turn your partner's bad mood f**king incendiary

IS your partner a bit grumpy today? Then you’d better steer clear of these well-meant and innocent responses which will send them right over the edge.

‘Are you in a mood?’

Stating the bleeding obvious is a surefire way of pushing their mild irritation down the slippery slope to incandescent rage. They’ve been stomping about the house, sighing extravagantly and slamming cupboards, but don’t want to admit to being a bit cross. ‘I wasn’t until you accused me of it,’ they will reply testily. And now it’s all your fault.

‘Is it something I’ve said?’

Of course it bloody is, and you’re a stupid idiot for not even remembering what. You’ll get an angry huff and a toss of the head which will leave you none the wiser. Only later will you realise agreeing with her when she said her friend Nikki is looking great for her age makes you a mentally cheating bastard who will be getting the cold shoulder for the next two days.

‘Are you upset because they lost the football?’

He was already annoyed, and now you’ve made it worse by suggesting something as trivial as sport could affect his mood so badly. But the truth is that it is down to the football score, and now he feels like a petty little dickhead for being upset about it. And you’re the one who made him feel that way, so you’re the one who will bear the brunt of his childish anger, to the extent that you begin to wonder why you married him.

‘Have you got PMT?’

This is asked with solicitous kindness, to prove that you have taken the time to understand her menstrual cycle and care about how she is feeling. However, she takes it completely the wrong way, accuses you of being a sexist bastard with the emotional intelligence of a sink plunger, and tells you to piss off. That’s the last time you’ll bother to try being a feminist.

‘Cheer up, misery guts’

The quickest way to get your partner from ‘mildly irritable’ to ‘absolutely f**king furious’. You say it in a light, jokey tone, hoping to puncture their mood with humour, but they receive it as if you’ve just told them you’ve put all their clothes on the lawn and set fire to them. Your best course of action now is to leave the house for a few hours and return when they’ve stopped being such a crotchety twat.

The London Eye, and other things your London mates are too up themselves to visit

PLANNING to stay on an IKEA sofa in the tiny flat rented by a London mate? Here are six things they definitely won’t be going to during your visit.

The London Eye

With its majestic views of London’s iconic skyline, Big Ben and the Thames, there’s no way your poncey mate will be up for this. Although in fairness 25 quid to spend 30 minutes in a glass ball slowly filling up with other people’s farts is probably a stretch for their ‘young professional’ salary. You’ll have more chance of getting them to go on a historically bollocks Ripper Walk, which they’ll do ironically to sneer at the tourists.

Madame Tussauds

Your mate will turn their nose up at queuing for an hour among thousands of French school children to go and see some waxworks of Beyonce and The Rock. London is full of actual celebrities, they’ll remind you. So who have they seen during their five expensive years living there? Er… Sue Barker buying a sandwich in Pret and Steve Punt looking a bit confused on the Circle Line. Let’s hope they’d got their autograph book.

Chinatown

After rolling their eyes, your friend will explain Chinatown is where all the tourists go and it’s impossible to know which restaurants are any good. For f**k’s sake don’t suggest googling it because that would diminish their insider’s knowledge of London. So instead of authentic dim sum and crispy duck, they make you spend £27 for whatever the f**k a ‘smashburger’ is in a pop-up based in a draughty Peckham warehouse. Bon appetit.

The West End

One of the draws of London is the wealth of entertainment at your fingertips. Which your friend is way too cool to enjoy. The West End is for the mouth-breathers and you won’t be shopping on Oxford Street as it’s ‘all US candy shops now‘. And forget seeing Mrs Doubtfire: The Musical. You’re off to a tiny theatre in Camden which isn’t even licensed, although after an hour and a half of earnest hip hop dance-poetry-fusion you need a drink more than you’ve ever done in your life.

Buckingham Palace

This is off the list because your mate visited it on their first week in the city. It might be historically significant, but it’s a bit of a schlep from Victoria Station and crawling with tourists taking bad selfies. Plus they queued to see Liz lying in state, so your friend has ‘completed’ the monarchy. They might get out of it with some vague anti-royal sentiments, which will magically be forgotten if they ever get the chance to see lovely Kate in a big carriage.

M&M World

Actually they might have a point here. It is absolutely f**king dreadful.

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