THE honeymoon period is known for its unbridled joy and marathon shagging. It is also a time when you will make these glaring errors.
Neglecting your friends
Your mates were always there for you, yeah? So how do you repay the favour now you’re loved-up? You ignore their texts and blank them in public. Now that you’re officially lost to a relationship, you’d better hope it lasts forever, unless you fancy being the loser in the pub always drinking on his own.
Spending shitloads
Forget energy bills and a rise in National Insurance, you’ve got to keep going on exciting dates. Your partner says they’re happy to stay in and watch telly, but what they really mean is that they want a slap-up meal and a trip to the theatre. Soon this becomes normal, you total pillock.
Saying ‘I love you’
There’s a time and a place for dropping the L-bomb, and that’s after your partner has said it, to prove you’re not just in it for the orgasms. However if you say ‘I love you’ during the first frenzied shagging sessions with someone who’s basically a stranger, there’s a strong chance they’ll respond with the deeply unsexy ‘We need to talk’.
Divulging your kinks
Even though you’re spending most of your time in the bedroom, you shouldn’t share the f**ked-up sex stuff that really gets you going. If they find your Deanna Troi costume and gas mask in the back of your wardrobe, just say you cosplay obscure Star Trek episodes. It’s slightly less embarrassing. Or maybe not.
Revealing your true self
Rookie mistake. During the honeymoon period you need to maintain a facade of appearing cool and interesting and like you’ve got your shit together. Only once your poor, unsuspecting partner has signed the marriage papers should you feel comfortable enough to reveal your true, thoroughly vile self. Check this eventuality isn’t covered in the pre-nup.
