YOU may browse it online now and then to see what the liberal elite think, but to truly be a Guardian reader you need to live the Guardian lifestyle. Here’s what to own:
1. Political cartoon toilet books about how terrible the Tories are
2. Grudgingly-used pasta maker
3. Framed poster from art exhibition abroad that you actually, physically visited
4. Photography book with cocks in
5. So many canvas tote bags that it’s actually environmentally catastrophic and plastic would be better
6. Box set of The West Wing, watched to death
7. Three children to prove you can afford it
8. Two cars, complete with scrutiny-proof excuses about the terrible state of public transport in this area
9. Handcarved Kenyan wooden stool that’s not actually comfortable to sit on so is piled with magazines
10. Cabinet of artisanal small-batch flavoured gins, ignored in favour of necking a litre of Bombay Sapphire every weekend
11. Vinyl collection only embarked on because everyone else was
12. Ukelele, obviously
13. Storage unit full of all the stuff you got rid of to be minimalist like one of the homes in the Weekend magazine, then you got new stuff
14. Moleskine notebook containing unused outline for autobiographical novel, unused outline for travel book, unused outline for parody Twitter account, shopping list
15. Hilarious anti-Brexit sign that not one of those bastards photographed on the marches
16. Privilege, checked daily
