MET someone you sort of know while wearing a scrap of wet lycra and nothing else? You’ll hate seeing them in these other places too.
Tesco queue
Seems innocuous, but getting stuck in a queue next to someone you barely know can be excruciating. After you’ve exhausted all chat about the one friend you have in common and the weather, you fall into an uneasy silence that becomes so awkward you’re tempted to drag the painfully slow till lady out of her seat and do the job yourself.
Swimming pool changing room
Navigating a swimming pool changing room when you’re wet, cold and wearing a minuscule amount of clothing is bad enough at the best of times. However, when you bump into the woman who works in the same building as you who you sometimes see in the lift, it’s even worse. Why did you choose to wear speedos today? Why?
Doctor’s surgery
Even if you’ve gone in for something that isn’t embarrassing, like antibiotics for a chest infection, it’s hard not to feel mortified when you see someone you vaguely know. Will Nikki from the school gates presume you’re in there for a fungal nail infection or an STI or some other gross thing instead? Yes, and she won’t be shy about speculating at pick-up time.
Condom aisle in Boots
You’re only in the condom aisle because the mouthwash happens to be up the other end, but you can guarantee you’ll be standing right next to the glow-in-the-dark Trojans when you cross paths with your mum’s friend Susan. You’ll blush so hard she’ll be highly suspicious, especially as you’re a married man, which in her eyes means you’ve no need for contraception. Don’t try to explain, you’ll only make things worse.
Sex shop
You’ve popped in for an old school porn magazine when you lock eyes with Weird Martin who lives a few doors down. You nod briefly, hoping against hope that he won’t mention it to anyone, or to you when you next see each other in the street. But there’s no need to worry, he’s ashamed of being a pathetic, grubby little masturbator too. You’ve formed a deep but not-very-joyous bond.
