WHEN it comes to acts of self abuse, men are all creatures of habit. These are the six stages they will follow when treating themselves to a hand shandy:
Do a quick recce
This will be done subtly so as not to arouse suspicion. A seemingly innocent walk through the house will do the trick, and maybe he’ll call out people’s names just to be safe. The last thing a man wants is to be caught by his family when he’s bent over and bashing away, mainly because he’ll feel compelled to finish before apologising.
Secure the perimeter
Bathroom’s are the safest place for some self-love because they’ve got a lock on the door, but they’re rarely the most comfortable or erotic. Instead, a man will likely settle for his bedroom by placing something heavy next to the door to prevent his mum interrupting like that one time when he was 16. If you ever spot a house with its living room curtains shut in the middle of the day, a man is likely wanking in there.
Locate the filth
Smut, or visual onanism aids as men prefer to call it, was traditionally stashed under the mattress. In modern times though, X-rated filth lives online, with the opening of the incognito tab now being tantamount to masturbation foreplay. Should a man ever be unable to locate pornography, he is always capable of falling back on his mental obscenity archive AKA wank bank.
Conduct the wank
Just as a soldier can strip down and reassemble a SA80 on mental autopilot, a man will bring himself to climax with a similarly grim, robot-like efficiency. The disgusting process typically takes between three to five minutes to complete, depending on how recent his last emission was, and due years of furtive adolescent wanks he will be quieter than a dormouse.
Dispose of the evidence
A bundled up tissue nestled near the bed is a dead giveaway. Not least because it reeks of spunk. Therefore, immediately after discharge, a man will shuffle to the bathroom with his pants and trousers still around his ankles and flush the evidence down the toilet. This is where checking the coast is clear pays dividends.
Repress the guilt
Even non-Catholic men will feel like they’ve done something wrong. Something that goes against their moral fibre as a human being. Due to the frequency of their wanks though, men are masters of squashing down their guilt and pretending they didn’t just watch the dirtiest videos PornHub has to offer. It’s more of a reflex than a conscious action at this point.
