The self-checkout camera at Tesco, and other places you look f**king dreadful

18th May 2023

THOUGHT you looked pretty good in the mirror at home? Here are some places that will unexpectedly reveal how truly hideous you are.

Self-checkout camera

You’re innocently beeping your shopping through the till when you look up and are confronted with a close-up video image of yourself. Your face looks fat, red and surprised, and why had you never noticed that your nose was so wonky? You return to the shelves for a bottle of wine to blot out the horror of suddenly turning from gorgeous to ugly.

Front-facing camera on phone

You’re just going to take a picture of the view and – waaah! What the f**k is that quadruple-chinned monster doing in your phone? Oh, the camera has been switched to front-facing and it’s you, unfortunately. You consider smashing your phone, but it was expensive, so you Google ‘face lift’ instead to see if that’s cheaper.

Shop window

As you approach the newsagent’s you can see a large, ungainly person lumbering towards you like a hippo with collapsed arches. You’re glad you don’t walk like that. A split second later you to realise that the window is mirrored and the uncoordinated oaf is you. Your self-confidence is drained forever. Maybe you should stay indoors for the rest of your life? It’s only fair to the rest of society.

Photograph from a night out

One of your mates still insists on posting photos of nights out on Facebook and you aren’t an attractive 19-year-old anymore so they’re all dreadful. You look knackered, bloated and have bloodshot eyes, though luckily the only engagement it gets is from a twat you went to school with commenting ‘haha u look like dogs now’.

Yoga studio mirrors

You want to get in better shape and head down to the yoga studio, dreaming of getting as toned and fit as Jessica Alba. Unfortunately one entire wall is made of mirrors, meaning you spend an hour staring at yourself with your flab falling out of your leggings at all angles. Vow never to return and stop by the shop for some Ben & Jerry’s on the way home to drown your sorrows. Feel worse because it’s got a fat cow on the tub.

Wonder Woman, and other shows whose iconic status is basically down to tits

18th May 2023

COUNTLESS ropey old TV shows are now regarded as classics on the basis of a hot star or stars. Under no circumstances suggest that these were actually a bit shit.

Wonder Woman

Lynda Carter was stunning and – crucially – had nice tits. The effects were terrible, the stories were terrible, the big pants were terrible. Yes, it ticked all the boxes for a show that’s better to reminisce about than actually watch, apart from the grippingly odd episode about cloning Hitler, ‘Anschluss’. Luckily Lynda’s slow-motion jumping abilities prevented the annexation of Austria again.

The Benny Hill Show

Always featured ‘Hill’s Angels’ in their underwear, often chasing Benny through a dense psychological thicket of his own sexual neuroses. Jane Leeves of Frasier fame appears in her bra in one episode. It’s must-see TV for fans of tits and extremely shit comedy sketches.

Charlie’s Angels

The stories were dogshit: the Angels join a circus to investigate mysterious accidents; the Angels enter a beauty competition (with swimsuit section) to investigate it being rigged; the Angels hunt down someone stalking air stewardesses – forcing them to go undercover as classic male fantasies. And so on. The only genuinely interesting aspect was mentally debating whether Cheryl Ladd was hotter than Farrah Fawcett, as Columbia Pictures discovered after spunking $55 million on the agonisingly awful film version.

Man About the House

Looked back upon fondly, and the cast, including Richard O’Sullivan, were quite engaging, but fundamentally it was just standard 70s sitcom toss. You suspected the producers knew this, because they put a tight close-up of blonde dollybird Sally Thomsett’s arse in the opening sequence, like a pot of honey suspiciously close to a bear trap.

Miami Vice

Far from terrible, with decent music and the odd hard-hitting storyline, but tits were a large part of the appeal. Indeed, bouncing breasts appear just 15 seconds into the opening credits, closely followed by shapely arses. Being set in Miami guaranteed more of the same, and it’s safe to say audiences were more interested in norks than a guest appearance by The Eagles’ Glenn Frey.

Holiday

A rare factual entry. Unbelievably, the BBC showed naked breasts in the intro, undoubtedly to prove they were dead continental and blasé about topless beaches. Adolescent males would sit down to watch it religiously, only for it to then feature no more tits. It’s a miracle they didn’t transfer their sexual arousal to Cliff Michelmore, leading to some strange bedroom requests later in life.

Baywatch

A cynical exercise in tits. With awful acting and dull, generic storylines there wasn’t really anything going for Baywatch except mammaries. Take away the breasts and swimsuits and all that was left was people almost drowning, which is quite a sick thing to watch, like 50 minutes of waterboarding.

‘Allo! ‘Allo!

Continuing the great tradition of saucy British humour – or interfering with the corpse of Carry On, if you prefer – ‘Allo! ‘Allo! sporadically rewarded your persistence with Vicky Michelle, the short blonde one or Helga in a basque and suspenders. In fairness, people don’t just remember that – there was the policeman with the shit accent too. Yes, all in all a fitting tribute to the heroes of the French Resistance.