DO you have a comfortable life and own lots of lovely things? Here’s how to make constant, unnecessary middle-class excuses for it all:
Slag it off
When you step out of your brand new Audi, be sure to say in a big, loud voice how much you miss your old Honda Accord: none of this automated boot nonsense and a key you could actually turn. That way, nobody in the service station car park will make the mistake of thinking you’re actually enjoying your privilege.
Make lame excuses
If a friend happens to be over when your Ocado delivery arrives, explain immediately that all the Tesco delivery slots were taken. And, anyway, you normally prefer to go to the supermarket yourself as it’s so nice to take an active part in society, but unfortunately you’ve injured your foot. Then don’t forget to limp for the rest of the time they’re there.
Pass the buck
There’s no better way to tame your privilege than to blame it on someone else. ‘We didn’t really want it, but my mother-in-law insisted on buying us the wood-fired hot tub’, you say, carefully hiding the invoice. No one believes you, but pretending not to have money to spend on fripperies you only use twice a year makes you feel like less of an awful human being.
Play it down
If you’ve just got back from two weeks in Antigua, be sure to tell your marginally-less-well-off neighbours that the beaches are just like Brighton really. A little less pebbly, but hardly worth all the airport faff. And the constant sun’s quite nice but a bit hot for you actually. You’ll stick to Scarborough next time, you say, even though you’ve already booked the Maldives for Christmas.
Say you’re lucky
Make it clear that you don’t feel deserving of your detached house, outdoor pizza oven and 60-inch TV in the ‘cinema room’ by repeatedly claiming it’s all down to ‘luck’. But then again, it is quite lucky that your parents sold that shabby old London townhouse for £3.2 million and gave you a wedge of it to play with.
