RECEIVED an unwanted Christmas present? Pass it on to someone you hate with these regifting tips.
Don’t rush things
You’re free to sit on a pair of salad tongs or A Funny Life by Michael McIntyre for years, even decades, before the right moment comes to rewrap it and foist it on some other poor unsuspecting sod. Maybe regift perishables sooner rather than later though. A tin of Turkish Delight that expired in 1997 might blow your cover.
Take it seriously
Any regifter worth their salt will compile a detailed inventory of who gave them which Christmas present and when. This is essential for avoiding gaffes like regifting within the same friendship group, or trying to palm off a present to the person who originally gave it to you. Although this would be an amazing passive-aggressive power move.
Invent a backstory
You can get away with anything so long as you have a convincing excuse. Even an Umbro Ice body wash set can be offloaded if you say it’s a precious family heirloom. The trick is to fool yourself into believing your new narrative, a technique used by many of history’s greatest liars, from Machiavelli right through to Tony Blair.
Don’t get sloppy
A master-regifter gets away with passing on tat because they have an eye for detail. Checking for tell-tale gift tags is basic shit, you should also be on the lookout for heart-rending dedications scribbled inside the cover of Ladybird Books for Grown-Ups. Even one slip up could result in you actually having to buy presents in the future.
Be a cold, heartless bastard
The biggest obstacle blocking most people’s desire to regift is their pathetic attachment to common decency. Erode your humanity by watching clips of Piers Morgan bellowing away on Good Morning Britain or reading Priti Patel’s borders bill and you’ll soon be enough of a heartless bastard to regift without giving it a second thought.
