OFF home for Christmas? Still unloved? Pre-empt the inevitable pitying comments from your family with these phrases:
‘Yes, I’m still f**king single’
The absence of another person should make this obvious, but you’re still better off announcing your depressing relationship status immediately to avoid any confusion. For all your gran knows, your rich and sexy new boyfriend could be getting your things out of the car, even though you arrived by train and you’re lumbered with baggage like a pack mule.
‘Trust me, I’m not being picky’
Before it’s suggested you’re being too selective, reassure them that your standards could not be lower. But having panned through the dregs of humanity on Tinder in search of love, all you found were Andrew Tate wannabes and militant vegans ‘not looking for anything serious right now’ It’s not your fault that’s all there is going.
‘I am aware of my biological clock’
It’s understandable for your mum to wonder if the thought of giving her grandchildren has ever crossed your mind. It’s less understandable for her to voice this thought every single time she thinks it. Reassure her that the prospect of your eggs running out has been plaguing you as well ever since she last mentioned it, which was two minutes ago.
‘My ex was a lot weirder than you knew’
Sure, your apparently wonderful ex appeared charming and lovely on the surface, but behind closed doors they got up to some seriously f**ked up shit. Never mind the weird roleplays and their disturbing political beliefs, mention how they used to hang the toilet paper the wrong way round. Your family will be so disgusted they’ll never bring them up again.
‘Yes, I am straight’
Nobody has the balls to question your sexuality openly. It’s 2022 after all. But your siblings and cousins will be silently judging your new undercut and dress sense in search of answers to their suspicions. Make it clear that you haven’t turned, you’ve just failed to attract anyone of the opposite sex, which is something they’re free to mock without fear of getting cancelled.
‘This is my new dog!’
Unveiling a surprise puppy will distract everyone from your tragic, lonely existence. Questions like ‘who’ll look after you when you get old?’ and ‘how’s the divorce going?’ will go left unsaid because there are cute paws and floppy ears in the room. Either that or your canine will underline how you’ve given up on human connections altogether, which is understandable.
