subscribe
/ Sign Out

Teenage boy bought new socks to wank into

THE thoughtful parents of a teenage boy have gifted him a brand new pair of socks to masturbate into this Christmas.

Tired of finding greying pairs of crusty semen-receptacles under their son Josh’s bed, Helen and Martin Bishop decided that if he must do it, he might as well do it in style.

Helen Bishop said: “They get harder to buy for as they get older, and it’s easier to get them practical things. He’d asked for a Playstation 5 but he doesn’t need one of those, whereas he does need socks that aren’t filled with several week’s worth of encrusted jizz.

“I’m also hoping he might take the hint and realise that Martin and I are the ones who periodically clear them out of his room and, while he’ll always be the apple of our eye, he’s also a disgusting little scrote and we can’t wait until he leaves home.”

Josh Bishop said: “Socks. Hmmm. I wonder if they’re making a point about me wanking? Nah, they don’t know I do it. Anyway, I like these. The premium wool-blend is fabulously soft and absorbent.”

He added: “Mum must have found a bargain because Dad got some exactly the same.”

Six things for sad singletons to say when they go home alone this Christmas

OFF home for Christmas? Still unloved? Pre-empt the inevitable pitying comments from your family with these phrases:

‘Yes, I’m still f**king single’

The absence of another person should make this obvious, but you’re still better off announcing your depressing relationship status immediately to avoid any confusion. For all your gran knows, your rich and sexy new boyfriend could be getting your things out of the car, even though you arrived by train and you’re lumbered with baggage like a pack mule.

‘Trust me, I’m not being picky’

Before it’s suggested you’re being too selective, reassure them that your standards could not be lower. But having panned through the dregs of humanity on Tinder in search of love, all you found were Andrew Tate wannabes and militant vegans ‘not looking for anything serious right now’ It’s not your fault that’s all there is going.

‘I am aware of my biological clock’

It’s understandable for your mum to wonder if the thought of giving her grandchildren has ever crossed your mind. It’s less understandable for her to voice this thought every single time she thinks it. Reassure her that the prospect of your eggs running out has been plaguing you as well ever since she last mentioned it, which was two minutes ago.

‘My ex was a lot weirder than you knew’

Sure, your apparently wonderful ex appeared charming and lovely on the surface, but behind closed doors they got up to some seriously f**ked up shit. Never mind the weird roleplays and their disturbing political beliefs, mention how they used to hang the toilet paper the wrong way round. Your family will be so disgusted they’ll never bring them up again.

‘Yes, I am straight’

Nobody has the balls to question your sexuality openly. It’s 2024 after all. But your siblings and cousins will be silently judging your new undercut and dress sense in search of answers to their suspicions. Make it clear that you haven’t turned, you’ve just failed to attract anyone of the opposite sex, which is something they’re free to mock without fear of getting cancelled.

‘This is my new dog!’

Unveiling a surprise puppy will distract everyone from your tragic, lonely existence. Questions like ‘who’ll look after you when you get old?’ and ‘how’s the divorce going?’ will go left unsaid because there are cute paws and floppy ears in the room. Either that or your canine will underline how you’ve given up on human connections altogether, which is understandable.

Next story ›