DID Fergie’s appearance on This Morning bring back unpleasant memories of mentally ploughing the same furrow as Andy back in 1986? Keep these passions hidden:
Toni Basil
Mickey was a massive hit in 1981, aided by the cheerleader-themed video. Times were hard then. A brief and memorised flash of buttock on Top of the Pops was material up there with the sunbed pages of the Argos catalogue. You recently saw the video again. Toni was at least two decades past cheerleading age.
Mickey Rourke
Mention your erstwhile lust for Mickey to anyone under the age of 35 and they’ll assume you’ve got a fetish for elderly plastic surgery addicts, though because they’re millennials they’ll pretend not to judge. He’s looked increasingly strange since his 90s stint as a losing boxer. 9½ Weeks was a long, long time ago.
Sarah Ferguson
Fergie’s appeal in 1986 was twofold: she was posh totty and seemed like a bit of a laugh. The toe-sucking and the emergence as an entitled grifter offering access to Prince Andrew for £500,000, ironic and apposite as pimping him is, put you right off. And you don’t want anyone thinking you’re a batshit Royalist with a house full of Prince Louis mugs.
Freddie Mercury
Lots of stars were closeted in the 80s. You could be forgiven for having no idea George Michael was gay, as he apparently didn’t, but Freddie Mercury? You looked at him strutting around on stage, combining cross-dressing and ballet in a single epic video, and you thought he was straight and would marry you? You’re ashamed of the category error.
Tracy-Louise Ward
The real-life Duchess of Beaufort was the fit posh one in C.A.T.S. Eyes, a British Charlie’s Angels forgotten by everyone. As such, even explaining who the hell she is makes you sound like an incredibly persistent stalker who, 37 years after C.A.T.S. Eyes got cancelled, is really in it for the long-haul.
Noel Edmonds
DJs were sex symbols right into the 80s. Noel was a cool guy who’d been on groovy Radio Luxembourg. However, his personal journey from cult stardom to massive twat was already becoming apparent, and today no-one in their right mind would admit cranking one out to this channeller of cosmic wisdom and Mr Blobby.
Barbara Bain
Space: 1999 was filmed in the 70s but repeats were a staple of 80s ITV. Barbara was middle-aged even then, but in your teenage innocence you found her reassuring mumsiness arousing. Today you look back and understand you were an early adopter of the MILF phenomenon, and that proud as you are it’s best others don’t know.
