YOU used to have normal wet dreams about engaging in sexual acts with attractive humans. But now you’re middle-aged, this is what gets you hot:
Lidl middle-aisle deals
The internet’s wildest pornography can’t produce the same physical rush you feel when you find a heavily discounted inflatable lilo in the middle aisle at Lidl. And as for the time you stumbled across a pressure washer with integrated hose reel, well, you still blush at the thought.
Taking charge of the barbecue
Once you hit 45, you stop measuring your virility in how often you want sex and start measuring it in your ability to grill meat. What greater thrill is there than seizing the tongs from a hapless fellow father at a neighbour’s birthday barbecue and valiantly saving some sausages from becoming overly charred? Absolutely none.
200 balls on the driving range
A barely-clothed Margot Robbie swims into your vision, beckoning you to follow. You walk behind her, through a hazy dreamscape, intrigued. Suddenly, the mists dissolve, revealing a driving range. Margot Robbie hands you a driver and a basket brimming with golf balls and departs, leaving you alone. You wake, sweating and delirious.
A military history museum
As a young man, your idea of dirty talk was hearing an attractive woman describe how and what she was planning to do to your genitals. Now though, in your 50s, remembering that infographic you saw in a WW2 military museum outlining the number of tanks involved in the Battle of Kursk will set you off instantly.
B&Q
Kublai Khan built his fabled pleasure dome in Xanadu. But your own personal pleasure dome can be found on an industrial estate just off the Swindon bypass. When your partner angrily wakes you to ask who you were dreaming about while making those moaning sounds, you quickly reply ‘Kylie‘ rather than admit it was the B&Q Dartmoor oak effect laminate flooring.
A quiet pint alone
Fantasies of hedonistic nights out have given way to a simple desire: a rural pub, a single pint of weak ale, and silence. In your vision, you sit in the pub waiting for friends to arrive – is this a nightmare? But then, your phone pings: they’ve all cancelled. What dreamy bliss.
