YOUR girlfriend’s out with the girls again, but what do they talk about? Surely nothing bad about you? Surely not any of these issues?
Your penis
What if your girlfriend’s mates all have horse-cocked partners, and she fancies trying one herself? Or maybe you’re being patronising and women have better things to talk about than penis size? Probably they never mention it because it would be rude and disrespectful. Yeah.
Overall sexual performance
Far more concerning. It could emerge that you don’t have much sexual stamina and a very limited repertoire of moves. Apart from the damage to your ego, how do you even get better at sex? Does the local college do an evening course? Watching porn for tips makes anything that isn’t MILF-stepdaughter threesomes seem unnatural.
That time you got really drunk
Being sick all over yourself is a run-of-the-mill booze anecdote with the lads. But your girlfriend’s mate Sally will ask: ‘Is he still an alcoholic?’ Now all her mates have you down as a hopeless lush who pisses the bed and is one Stella away from getting violent.
Your career
Is fine, when framed correctly. But after a wine your girlfriend might reveal you’re in a mundane office job paying barely the national average – which includes road sweepers and dog walkers – and every plan to get out of that rut has failed. It’s humiliating and you’re not even there. But they’ll surely stick to hair disasters and Ryan Gosling.
Her happiness in the relationship
It’s a normal, functioning relationship where she watches shite on the telly while you play Elden Ring in another room. Happy and loving. But ideally she wouldn’t tell her mate every detail of that in case some of them set sky-high expectations about spending the evening together and talking about stuff.
Potential boyfriends who aren’t you
Some female friends consider it delightfully mischievous to highlight a better potential boyfriend. Given your shortcomings, this is highly irresponsible. All it would take is some guy with better personal hygiene, clothes bought after 2019 and broader cultural interests than Punisher comics and you’re in deep trouble. But hopefully they won’t.
